Your Week in Seriously Times: Apr. 22 – 28, 2012

OK, so this is a few days late. As I warned before, updates are going to be much slower until I’m settled into my new environs, much like a newly-arrived panda stud at the National Zoo. Better late than never, unlike Ling-Ling’s period.


Wounded ladies, dead zookeepers, and cracking potheads — I might have worked out some frustrations this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • It looks like the Dutch tourist industry just went to pot. (Apr. 27, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Apr. 15 – 21, 2012

Kids say the fuckingest things.

Zombie prep, handcuffed kids, sleeping babies, and sex robots … It’s not the next The Next Phillip K. Dick novelist, but this week’s SeriouslyGuys posts. Here’s the recap:

  • Handcuffs on kids may seem cruel and unusual, but name a better way to keep them from picking their noses. (Apr. 17, 2012)
  • Never wake a sleeping baby. Unless, you know, you’re insane. (Apr. 18, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Could you survive the gauntlet that is our federal court system? Find out in the dramatic conclusion to my three-part series, Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners and Children. This week: it’s the judicial branch! (Apr. 18, 2012)

*This and many more statistics brought to you by My Ass. My Ass: because what goes into my head must come out somewhere.

Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners, Children (Part 3)

The silver change buys Coke cans for Justice Clarence Thomas to rest his pubes on.

Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.

The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Maybe you’ve seen it in your tour through Ron Paul’s breast pocket?

To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.

Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. Previous installments covered the executive and legislative branches. This week, we wrap the whole shebang up with the judicial branch.

Read the rest at either:

Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 3) | SeriouslyGuys

Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners, Children (Part 3) | HumorOutcasts

Your Week in Seriously Times: Apr. 8 – 14, 2012

More rogue kids, nail polish, killer bees, and guns … They’re not tools in an experimental self-defense class, but the topics of this week’s SeriouslyGuys posts. Here’s the recap:

  • Maybe it was a mistake to start up an all-kids police force, but, dammit … those out-of-control dynamos get action-packed results. (Apr. 10, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: It’s part two, The Empire Strikes Back of my trilogy to explain the U.S. branches of government to foreigners and children. This week: the legislature strikes back! (Apr. 11, 2012)
  • Time travel is bad. But, killer bees are also bad. Are you a bad enough dude to time travel back to 1957 and cold-cock Warwick Kerr? (Apr. 12, 2012)
  • Movies I’ve Sneen: Chugs was out this week, presumably in rehab to overcome his nail polish addiction. (He is weak to need help with his illness, but so strong for admitting it.) So, I filled in with my review of Disney’s John Carter. (Apr. 12, 2012)

Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners, Children (Part 2)

Oh, and one comedian.

Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.

The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Maybe you’ve seen it in your tour through Ron Paul’s breast pocket?

To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.

Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. Last week, I explained the executive branch. This week, it’s the legislative branch.

Read more at either:

Your Week in Seriously Times: Apr. 1 – 7, 2012

You're gonna have to wu those ladies, male pandas. (Don't worry, I regret typing that as much as you do reading it.)

Asteroids, cavity searches, naughty sheriffs, panda sex, and ghost pirates — why no, I’m not developing the greatest video game ever. These are just the topics of this week’s SeriouslyGuys posts. Here’s the recap:

  • Take it from Snee: I postpone writer’s block for the rest of the month by launching a three-part series, Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners and Children. This week is part one: the executive branch! (Apr. 4, 2012)
  • The U.S. Coast Guard sank a ghost ship off the coast of Alaska. Next up: demolishing that abandoned theme park on the edge of town. Your days of pussyfooting around are over, Mystery Machine. (Apr. 6, 2012)

Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners, Children (Part 1)

This and many more behind-the-scenes glimpses in this breakdown of the executive branch.

Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.

The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Perhaps you’ve seen it on your tour of Ron Paul’s breast pocket?

To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.

Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. This week, it’s the executive branch.

Read more at either:

Your Week in Seriously Times: Mar. 25 – 31, 2012

Even when *you* get the bear, instead of vice versa, how does that not translate into a maulin'?

Hummingbirds, enemies, teen girls, cougars, and astronauts — put them all together and you get one deliciously sexy naughty dream. Also, they pretty much sum up this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • Plants: as if it wasn’t bad enough that we’re coughing up their semen for the next month or so, it turns out they also do the nasty with animals. One natural gas well has had enough of their lurid behavior. (Mar. 26, 2012)
  • A new Facebook app lets you declare your friends as enemies. You can’t add frenemies, though, so “it’s complicated” will have to suffice. (Mar. 27, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Whether you have employees, kids, or students, you get the chance to throw your weight around. But, what’s left to boss around when you don’t have any of those? (Mar. 28, 2012)

Playing God on a Budget

While some of us may have been born into wealth and power, and even fewer of us may claw our way up the ladder to it, the rest of us have to get by with what little material success we’ve scraped together. So, how does one feel better about their station? By applying their arbitrary rules to some self-made underling, usually children.

But, children are expensive. They eat, they break things and they refuse to get a job to pay for either. And of those who do work? Even renting children as actors costs millions of dollars once they get their SAG card.

That’s why I’ve come up with this list of non-children to homeschool into your own slightly-less-than-divine image.

Read the list at either: