According to these letters I’ve been receiving, it’s the holiday season. Of course, that’s because I legally changed my name to Santa Claus back in the ’04 on a bet, so there’s Christmas letters mixed into my normal summons, past due notices and “Ask Dr. Snee” questions. Take, for instance, this letter:
Although I have been a very good girl this year and would very much like a Nintendo 3DS for Christmas, I’m writing because I’m worried about your health. Specifically, your weight. Your belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly is certainly one of the signs of holiday joy, but it is also — in this 8-year-old’s opinion — one of the telltale signs of morbid obesity.
The addition of other risk factors, such as smoking, eating cookies at every non-Jehovah’s Witness’s home and red, veiny nose indicate that you may be entering the early stages of diabetes. I know you are very busy this time of year, but please, once Christmas is over and done with, please see a physician.
Lots of love,
Now, I know what you’re thinking: You’re not really going to answer that little girl’s letter, are you, Dr. Snee? Yes, of course I am, if only because Santa deserves the benefit of a second opinion.
Thank you for your nice letter. I’ll see what I can do about the 3DS, but please realize that my Chinese elves are a little overworked and some of them have violated the terms of their “not committing suicide” agreement. To be frank (claus), I’ll be happy if I fill last month’s quota, but that’s between you and me.
Also, thank you for your concern about my health, but don’t worry. Santa may be hefty, which falls in the safe zone on the weight chart I’ve enclosed, but it’s because he’s a power lifter. If you know anything about body mass index, it’s probably that BMI is not a reliable measurement of health. For instance: according to Sylvester Stallone’s bio, he is 5’9 (yeah right) and 200 lbs. That puts the Italian Stallion at 29.5 or overweight. But look at Sylvester:
Does this look like an overweight man to you? Maybe over-awesome or over-not-Santa-enough-like, but certainly not overweight.
Santa trains to lift the big weights, like the guys in the Olympics. So, yes, I may be 400 lbs and only 6’2, but I’m a healthy 400 lbs of pure strength. It’s what makes it possible for me to carry everybody’s toys each year (although the bag does get lighter per house).
So, you better watch out about what you say, Rachel, or Santa may just squat-thrust some of his attorneys down your chimney. (Please don’t interpret that sexually. I need this job.)
Santa F. Claus
Read the other two letters at:
DISCLAIMER: Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.