Marriage is Older Than the Earth

downright-normalIt seems like that in 2013 — when gay men and lesbians can serve openly, vote Republican, and shame the president into supporting same-sex marriage after his vice president does so on television — that the argument over California’s Proposition 8 and the federal Defense of Marriage Act would be long over.

But, in both laws’ cases, conservative Christians can’t let the old arguments go. They’re so dogged to prove that they wrote the book on marriage that, when the governments responsible for defending each bigoted law in court refused to do so, they had to hire their own lawyers.*

So, for the fourth time (counting when Prop 8 was originally on the ballot in 2008), we get to hear the same old, tired arguments from people who believe that God tolerates child soldiers but hates it when two men or two women register at Bed Bath & Beyond.

For instance: did you know that God created marriage? There are only three problems with this idea:

1. According to biblical scholars, God didn’t create the Earth until 6000 years ago, man six days sooner than that and marriage however-many-days-it-took-Adam-to-name-every-plant-and-animal-in-Eden sooner than that.

“What’s that, Debbie Deer? You know what I can do with this erection?”
“What’s that, Debbie Deer? You know what I can do with this erection?”

Marriage or standardized monogamy, however, originated anywhere from 20,000 to 4 million years ago, depending on whose genetic research we go by.

2. Even if we give conservative Christians the benefit of the doubt that they’re not all being silly Young Earth Creationists, Judaism (the original movie that many would argue was better than the sequel) is only 3000 years old. So, when it comes to marriage, you didn’t build that. Somebody else’s God (or lack thereof) built that.

“I fucking love science!”
“I fucking love science!”

3. And, for the sake of argument, let’s say that all of the geological and genetic research was fooled by Satan burying fake bones deep in the Earth, and marriage really is as old as God deciding his human needed another human the way we justify adopting another cat. So what?

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, there were 2,326,000 weddings in 2001 alone (excluding Louisiana for some reason). And in the 18 states that track marriage, more than 40 percent of those were performed in a civil, or non-religious, ceremony.

And of those 60 percent that were outright religious ceremonies? At least a few of them were conducted in accordance with the doctrine of Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Shinto, Wiccan, Pagan, Zoroastrian, Baha’i and countless other religions that certainly aren’t in the Judeo-Christian tradition, and some of them predate both.

“Jesus, not even as a bridesmaid?”
“Jesus, not even as a bridesmaid?”

So, if the Judeo-Christian god invented marriage, he was probably only invited to a slim majority of U.S. weddings. Whether his patent on marriage expired, or he never had one to begin with, it is clear that marriage in America is neither based the Bible, nor has it ever been in accordance with the establishment clause in the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.

Besides, if it were based on the Bible, then wouldn’t more of us be married to our arranged wives, brother’s widows and rape victims? (We sure as hell wouldn’t be divorcing and remarrying so much.)

And, hey, if you think I’m cherry-picking ridiculous ideas to refute, then I’d love to hear your rational, well-thought-out reason why same-sex marriage is wrong.

*In the case of Hollingsworth v. Perry, California’s Proposition 8, which amended their state constitution to permit marriage only between a man and a woman, is being defended by the political activist group and the non-profit organization that wrote the bill and collected signatures to put it on the ballot. And in United States v. Windsor, DOMA is being defended by the House of Representatives’ Bipartisan Legal Advisory Group, who were put on the case by Republican members.

This post originally appeared on SeriouslyGuys and HumorOutcasts.

Your Week in Seriously Times: Dec. 9 – 15, 2012

This monkey almost single-foothandedly destroyed consumer confidence in a recession and ate all the meatballs in the cafeteria.
This monkey almost single-foothandedly destroyed consumer confidence in a recession and ate all the meatballs in the cafeteria.

Jacketed monkeys, murder sex, tweeting pontiffs, Christmas wars, coffee breath, and lawyers — and you thought the 12 days after Christmas were exciting! Also, they’re the topics this past week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • A monkey illustrates the absurdity of shopping at IKEA, making us wonder what the pursuit of incomplete material goods in giant warehouses says about humani — oh look! He’s wearing an adorable coat! (Dec. 10, 2012)
  • You say “homosexual,” U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says, “homicide.” Homosexual, homicide … let’s follow the advice of a showtune — or “murder soundtrack” — and call the whole thing off. (Dec. 11, 2012)
  • RT ‏@Pontifex @catholicdude69 The Lord has heard ur confession and forgives u. Now retweet 3 Our Fathers and 10 Hail Marys. (Dec. 12, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: I could be the Christmas miracle that Fox News deserves, but not the one it needs right now. (Dec. 12, 2012)
  • Making pots of coffee all day gives people with oral cancer something to live for. (Dec. 13, 2012)
  • We are officially one popped collar away from the nuclear douchepocalypse in Clearwater, Florida. (Dec. 14, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Oct. 28 – Nov. 3, 2012

I’ll make sure they mention Me all the time so that everyone will know it’s My little joke.

Anti-authoritarian moose, postmarked pythons, crooked K-9s, and unintelligently-designed NASA computer specialists — we’re gonna need a bigger exterminator. Also, they’re the topics this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

A Mountie tried to take two moose’s insolence sitting down and nearly lost his mount (squad car) in the process. (Oct. 30, 2012)

If you’re still waiting for your Snakes of the Month delivery in South Africa, then authorities — and some frightened postal workers — would like to have a word with you. (Oct. 31, 2012)

The U.S. Supreme Court will decide whether police dogs have been planting evidence on us this whole ti — Uh, that’s not mine. I’m holding it for man’s best friend. (Nov. 1, 2012)

Advocating intelligent design won’t get you fired from NASA, but it is generally evidence of other mental, professional failings. (Nov. 2, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Apr. 15 – 21, 2012

Kids say the fuckingest things.

Zombie prep, handcuffed kids, sleeping babies, and sex robots … It’s not the next The Next Phillip K. Dick novelist, but this week’s SeriouslyGuys posts. Here’s the recap:

  • Handcuffs on kids may seem cruel and unusual, but name a better way to keep them from picking their noses. (Apr. 17, 2012)
  • Never wake a sleeping baby. Unless, you know, you’re insane. (Apr. 18, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Could you survive the gauntlet that is our federal court system? Find out in the dramatic conclusion to my three-part series, Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners and Children. This week: it’s the judicial branch! (Apr. 18, 2012)

*This and many more statistics brought to you by My Ass. My Ass: because what goes into my head must come out somewhere.

Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners, Children (Part 3)

The silver change buys Coke cans for Justice Clarence Thomas to rest his pubes on.

Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.

The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Maybe you’ve seen it in your tour through Ron Paul’s breast pocket?

To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.

Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. Previous installments covered the executive and legislative branches. This week, we wrap the whole shebang up with the judicial branch.

Read the rest at either:

Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 3) | SeriouslyGuys

Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners, Children (Part 3) | HumorOutcasts

Your Week in Seriously Times: Apr. 1 – 7, 2012

You're gonna have to wu those ladies, male pandas. (Don't worry, I regret typing that as much as you do reading it.)

Asteroids, cavity searches, naughty sheriffs, panda sex, and ghost pirates — why no, I’m not developing the greatest video game ever. These are just the topics of this week’s SeriouslyGuys posts. Here’s the recap:

  • Take it from Snee: I postpone writer’s block for the rest of the month by launching a three-part series, Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners and Children. This week is part one: the executive branch! (Apr. 4, 2012)
  • The U.S. Coast Guard sank a ghost ship off the coast of Alaska. Next up: demolishing that abandoned theme park on the edge of town. Your days of pussyfooting around are over, Mystery Machine. (Apr. 6, 2012)