Handcuffs on kids may seem cruel and unusual, but name a better way to keep them from picking their noses. (Apr. 17, 2012)
Never wake a sleeping baby. Unless, you know, you’re insane. (Apr. 18, 2012)
Take it from Snee: Could you survive the gauntlet that is our federal court system? Find out in the dramatic conclusion to my three-part series, Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners and Children. This week: it’s the judicial branch! (Apr. 18, 2012)
Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.
The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Maybe you’ve seen it in your tour through Ron Paul’s breast pocket?
To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.
Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. Previous installments covered the executive and legislative branches. This week, we wrap the whole shebang up withthe judicial branch.
The finger, blood clots, spanking, court-ordered dates, lying doctors, and bullet-ridden laptops; it looks like everybody had it in for you this week. Here’s the recap if you survived:
You know the culture war’s over when the PTC focuses on an errant finger in the middle of the most gay-friendly Super Bowl halftime show since Up With People. (Feb. 6, 2012)
Just when you think the airline industry has cut out all complimentary services in coach, they find one more to take away: blood clots. (Feb.7, 2012)
Canadian scientists discover kids are like a faulty television: smacking it may fix undesirable behavior in the short term, maybe even knock some dust off, but your Samsung is still broken and probably even more so now. (Feb. 8, 2012)
Take it from Snee: Red Lobster got just about the worst endorsement it never asked for. (Feb. 8, 2012)
A dad shoots his teenage daughter’s laptop after she posts mean things about him on Facebook so that she’ll never do it again. In other news, the MPAA believes they’ve finally licked their Internet piracy problem. (Feb. 10, 2012)
The Mikado in the eponymous Gilbert and Sullivan play sings that, as the most humane Mikado in all of Japanese history, he believes that every punishment should fit its crime. And certainly a no more humane judge did in Florida exist than Judge John Hurley, who recently sentenced a husband in a domestic abuse case to time with his wife.
While a lesser judge might have sentenced Joseph Bray to jail time for, as his wife Sonja described, shoving her to the sofa and grabbing her by the neck, Judge Hurley recognized this the way any Floridian would: a happy birthday chokeslam. (The two were fighting because Joseph failed to wish his wife a happy birthday.)
So, that’s why the judge ruled that they must:
Consume flowers. (That’s why women always need more, right?)
Go to Red Lobster.
Go bowling, a bloodsport that — in my experience — has settled more marriages than any other besides Monopoly.
After all, this whole incident boiled down to what Judge Hurley described as a “very, very minor” example of domestic violence. It’s only assault if it happens in a bar, workplace or anywhere else that isn’t your living room.
Not only do I offer Judge John Hurley my congratulations on a verdict well reached, but I wish him a long and illustrious career over other cases. Cases like ….