Your Week in Seriously Times: Sep. 9 – 15, 2012

Construction workers hope to appease the spider with a human sacrifice.

Spiders, Emma Watson, Titanic, democracy, animal heresies, and freak-nasty ladies — if John Carpenter wrote the screenplay for this week, this is what it’d look like on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • An endangered spider halted construction on an underpass in Texas. And, there’s only way to kill an endangered spider, which is with a panda loafer. (Sep. 10, 2012)
  • Of all celebrities today, Emma Watson has the most computer viruses. Allohora valacyclovir! (Sep. 11, 2012)
  • “Jack, you can’t come up on the raft. We’re too heavy.” “… Are you still wearing that big ass diamond, Rose?” (Sep. 12, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: By upgrading your national operating system to Democracy®, you have automatically agreed to the user terms. Violating these terms will cause Democracy® to uninstall from your system. (Sep. 12, 2012)
  • Snakes and monkeys are just begging — begging — for a Spanish Inquisition. (Sep. 13, 2012)
  • Women are down for just about anything if you cover it in rose petals first. (Sep. 14, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Jul. 22 – 28, 2012

Space smells, dangerous sex, guns, ancient bras, and break-up lessons — either my space opera novella was picked up by a publisher … or, these were the topics of SeriouslyGuys this week. Here’s the recap:

  • Flies and the bats who eat them prove that men are faster at sex because, unlike women, we care about predators. Women, amiright? (Jul. 24, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: The right to my hobby to fire 100 rifle rounds at the shooting range without reloading shall not be infringed. And the rest of you just have to subsidize that hobby with your lives. (Jul. 25, 2012)
  • The Boston Public Health Commission teaches teens the right way to dump each other. If only they could teach them to be less of an asshole at Sox games. (Jul. 27, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Feb. 26 – Mar. 3, 2012

Legos, Jesus fish, the Goddamn Bat Flu, Lent, Nazis, and T. Rexes — if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear this week was life trying to outdo all the crap that won Oscars on Sunday. Here’s the recap:

  • One Japanese astronaut is trying to turn the International Space Station into one of those Russian nesting dolls. Much like Putin’s pre-planned election results, it just seems like the Ruskies aren’t even trying to be devious any more. (Feb. 27, 2012)
  • Even in the earliest days of Christianity, they couldn’t help advertising their faith on the most expensive thing they owned. (Feb. 28, 2012)
  • ♬ Dunna-nunna-nunna-nunna, dunna-nunna-nunna-nunna BAT FLU!(Feb. 29, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Lent is a valuable time to explore your own faith and connect with God in a meaningful way … but, what if we got to apply it to others? (Feb. 29, 2012)
  • Just in case you were worried things were getting better, we found some racists either wielding authority or seeking it in the U.S. Now, don’t you feel better? (Mar. 1, 2012)

Sharing Lent with Others

If you’re of the Catholic persuasion, then you know that we are one week deep into Lent.

For everyone else: every year, shortly after Valentine’s Day, the Almighty decides that he’s tired of putting in all the work into this relationship — including that freaky four-way with his son and a ghost we asked for. After Mardis Gras, God sobers up and turns into the princess from A Knight’s Tale and asks us to prove our love by giving up something we love for 40 days.

I, for instance, gave up the slide whistle this year, which means 40 days of stern erections: a price my wife will just have to pay. In prior years, I’ve given up monologuing in the shower, checking my tissues for productive noseblowings and Chalupas because

  1. It has to be something difficult to live without. (I ate nothing but Gorditos in 1998 to keep to my non-Chalupa agreement.)
  2. It can’t be a repeat.

But, you don’t have to be Catholic to participate. In fact, Muslims have their own version, Ramadan, while Evangelical Protestants swear off of gay sex for their entire lives — which often leads to failure for extending it beyond the Lent season.

It is in this Christian spirit that I’ve prescribed some Lent suggestions to others. Who knows? Maybe it will change their lives permanently for the better.

Who got Lent recommendations, and for what? Read the rest at either: