Your Week in Seriously Times: Jun. 3 – 9, 2012

Pot moms, junk food, AIDS, fat heads, and abortion — chances are good that my first week back at SeriouslyGuys will offend somebody. Here’s the recap:

  • Disney announced they will market less junk food to children on their channels. That doesn’t mean, however, that you’ll be able to leave the couch in the middle of a Boy Meets World marathon to exercise. (Jun. 6, 20102)
  • Ask Dr. Snee: The slow summer news media season opens, which means it’s time to crap our pants over the next “New AIDS.” (Jun. 6, 2012)
  • White people are fatheads. You can’t argue with that; it’s science. (Jun. 7, 2012)
  • A Republican Congressman from Alabama earns his wings by attaching an anti-abortion measure to a Homeland Security spending bill. Your government, can you feel it getting smaller? (Jun. 8, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Mar. 11 – 17, 2012

That's an ancient Bull Moose proverb my grandmother used to tell me.

Baseball, strippers, Coldplay, pat-downs, political parties, psychics, and vasectomies — no, this isn’t a list of things I think about to delay an orgasm. They were the topics of this week’s SeriouslyGuys posts. Here’s the recap:

  • President Obama admits to having Coldplay on his iPod … but that doesn’t necessarily mean he likes them. The last time I shared a playlist with Joe Biden, my iPod caught a scorching case of the Hooties and the Blowfish. (Mar. 13, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: I attempt to explain our political parties to foreigners and children, and in the process discover that my grandmother was half Bull Moose. That makes me a quarter Moosish! (Mar. 14, 2012)
  • British psychics fail to prove themselves in three attempts to recreate an American test’s positive results. Looks like they’ll have to go back to lying about being psychic like every other psychic in the world. (Mar. 15, 2012)
  • Vasectomy providers see an upswing in patients during March Madness. And that’s not just depressed Duke fans who refuse to bring a child into this world. (Mar. 16, 2012)

Explaining U.S. political parties to foreigners, children

Longtime readers may recall that for three glorious days back in 2008, I was a legal subject of Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II (long may she reign so that Camilla may not). Bermuda was a welcome vacation from the U.S. because it was an election year, but alas, the natives knew all about it and would ask tourists who we’re going to vote for.

What was most striking was that, although they knew the names, they still didn’t quite grasp the subtleties or history behind the American political parties or why one American would support one over another.

It is in the spirit of not knowing what a Tory or Socialist is that I’ve assembled this handy guide to the great and small political parties of these United States for foreigners and children. (For best use, please print this out onto a 4 x 11-inch note card, and keep it in your wallet with a magnifying glass.)

Read the guide at either: