Your Week in Seriously Times: Sept. 23 – 29, 2012

“Long time” turned out to be measured in Chris Farley years.

Sex dolls, eunuchs, dolphins, Opposite Day, Canadians, and Ahmadinejad — if wet nightmares were a thing, this would be one. Alas, they’re just the topics this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • Rescue workers are getting very good at retrieving drowned sex dolls. They’d save one if giving them mouth-to-mouth didn’t taste funny. (Sept. 24, 2012)
  • Korean eunuchs lived longer than their swingin’ peers. In other news: accidentally sitting on your balls can kill you. (Sept. 25, 2012)
  • If you fed Beggar the dolphin, come claim your share of the prize. (Sept. 26, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Either Wednesday was Opposite Day, or frat brothers squirting Sutter Home up each others asses is now acceptable. Or wasting food. Or wishing referees a good day. (Sept. 26, 2012)
  • Ha ha! U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon still believes there’s a Canadian Prime Minister! Also: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad takes stereotypes very seriously in his War on Jewishness. (Sept. 28, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Jun. 10 – 16, 2012

Drunk kids, zombies, nudity, and your filthy, disgusting body — let’s just say it’s amazing I didn’t go to jail this week. Here’s the recap from SeriouslyGuys:

  • A vanity plate will never make you a zombie, no matter how many people you shoot in drive-bys with a stun gun. Related: the bar for douchey-ness has been raised. (Jun. 12, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: I bare it all* to save the animals. (Jun. 13, 2012)
  • What do your body and a crowded club have in common? Over 100 trillion strains of bacteria … and now a guest list. (Jun. 14, 2012)

*By PETA’s definition of nudity.

Your Week in Seriously Times: Jun. 3 – 9, 2012

Pot moms, junk food, AIDS, fat heads, and abortion — chances are good that my first week back at SeriouslyGuys will offend somebody. Here’s the recap:

  • Disney announced they will market less junk food to children on their channels. That doesn’t mean, however, that you’ll be able to leave the couch in the middle of a Boy Meets World marathon to exercise. (Jun. 6, 20102)
  • Ask Dr. Snee: The slow summer news media season opens, which means it’s time to crap our pants over the next “New AIDS.” (Jun. 6, 2012)
  • White people are fatheads. You can’t argue with that; it’s science. (Jun. 7, 2012)
  • A Republican Congressman from Alabama earns his wings by attaching an anti-abortion measure to a Homeland Security spending bill. Your government, can you feel it getting smaller? (Jun. 8, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Jan. 29 – Feb. 5

Edible goo, tased dog owners, a prince going to pretend war, Watchmen Babies, girlfriend adoptions, strippers and sex with children: it’s been a week that could only end with a super Sunday. Here’s the recap:

  • The adventures of a British prince in a magical land with Spanishy people and backwards-flowing toilets continue. (Feb. 1, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: DC ain’t afraid of no snake god or losing what little credibility they have left. Get ready for Watchmen prequels. (Feb. 1, 2012)
  • Some guy adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend. Don’t worry; he’s just rich and wants to keep his money after being arrested for drinking and running over a poor person. It’s not like he’s a pervert or nothing. (Feb. 2, 2012)
  • Republicans against supporting single moms? Well, that’s not so surprising. But, Catholics against sex with children? What is this? Wackytown? (Feb. 3, 2012)