Your Week in Seriously Times: Apr. 1 – 7, 2012

You're gonna have to wu those ladies, male pandas. (Don't worry, I regret typing that as much as you do reading it.)

Asteroids, cavity searches, naughty sheriffs, panda sex, and ghost pirates — why no, I’m not developing the greatest video game ever. These are just the topics of this week’s SeriouslyGuys posts. Here’s the recap:

  • Take it from Snee: I postpone writer’s block for the rest of the month by launching a three-part series, Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners and Children. This week is part one: the executive branch! (Apr. 4, 2012)
  • The U.S. Coast Guard sank a ghost ship off the coast of Alaska. Next up: demolishing that abandoned theme park on the edge of town. Your days of pussyfooting around are over, Mystery Machine. (Apr. 6, 2012)

Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners, Children (Part 1)

This and many more behind-the-scenes glimpses in this breakdown of the executive branch.

Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.

The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Perhaps you’ve seen it on your tour of Ron Paul’s breast pocket?

To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.

Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. This week, it’s the executive branch.

Read more at either:

Your Week in Seriously Times: Mar. 11 – 17, 2012

That's an ancient Bull Moose proverb my grandmother used to tell me.

Baseball, strippers, Coldplay, pat-downs, political parties, psychics, and vasectomies — no, this isn’t a list of things I think about to delay an orgasm. They were the topics of this week’s SeriouslyGuys posts. Here’s the recap:

  • President Obama admits to having Coldplay on his iPod … but that doesn’t necessarily mean he likes them. The last time I shared a playlist with Joe Biden, my iPod caught a scorching case of the Hooties and the Blowfish. (Mar. 13, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: I attempt to explain our political parties to foreigners and children, and in the process discover that my grandmother was half Bull Moose. That makes me a quarter Moosish! (Mar. 14, 2012)
  • British psychics fail to prove themselves in three attempts to recreate an American test’s positive results. Looks like they’ll have to go back to lying about being psychic like every other psychic in the world. (Mar. 15, 2012)
  • Vasectomy providers see an upswing in patients during March Madness. And that’s not just depressed Duke fans who refuse to bring a child into this world. (Mar. 16, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Jan. 29 – Feb. 5

Edible goo, tased dog owners, a prince going to pretend war, Watchmen Babies, girlfriend adoptions, strippers and sex with children: it’s been a week that could only end with a super Sunday. Here’s the recap:

  • The adventures of a British prince in a magical land with Spanishy people and backwards-flowing toilets continue. (Feb. 1, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: DC ain’t afraid of no snake god or losing what little credibility they have left. Get ready for Watchmen prequels. (Feb. 1, 2012)
  • Some guy adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend. Don’t worry; he’s just rich and wants to keep his money after being arrested for drinking and running over a poor person. It’s not like he’s a pervert or nothing. (Feb. 2, 2012)
  • Republicans against supporting single moms? Well, that’s not so surprising. But, Catholics against sex with children? What is this? Wackytown? (Feb. 3, 2012)

Pros and Cons of Surviving 2011

Among the entries, we say farewell to Kim Jong-il, whose ladies-sunglasses-wearing, Hair-Club-for-Men-presidential like we will never see again.

Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.

So, here’s an entirely subjective list of what went right and wrong in 2011 before greeting Bolon Yokte as an old friend at midnight, Jan. 1.

Read this year’s entries at: