Your Week in Seriously Times: Jun. 10 – 16, 2012

Drunk kids, zombies, nudity, and your filthy, disgusting body — let’s just say it’s amazing I didn’t go to jail this week. Here’s the recap from SeriouslyGuys:

  • A vanity plate will never make you a zombie, no matter how many people you shoot in drive-bys with a stun gun. Related: the bar for douchey-ness has been raised. (Jun. 12, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: I bare it all* to save the animals. (Jun. 13, 2012)
  • What do your body and a crowded club have in common? Over 100 trillion strains of bacteria … and now a guest list. (Jun. 14, 2012)

*By PETA’s definition of nudity.

That’s A Wrap

Although they are OK with plumbers plumbing plumb barefoot.

The Internet is up in arms over the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and PIPA. PIPA is actually an acronym and abbreviation within an abbreviation: the PROTECT IP Act — or the Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act — proving just how much thought the U.S. Senate puts into naming bills after minor British nobility over drafting applicable commonsense laws.

But, in all the hoopla, did we miss the passage of an even more dangerous law to the Internet?

The Los Angeles City Council voted 9-to-1 in favor of an ordinance that would strip film permits from porn producers whose actors don’t wear condoms. Los Angeles already requires adult actors to wear condoms, but this new ordinance provides an enforcement measure (unless they use they safe word).

I’ll admit it’s tempting to require adult actors to wear condoms at all times. As an Internet writer, I’m always shopping for new pants, and frankly, I’m tired of smell-checking inside the crotch before putting them on. If I smell something off — like whatever Astroglide smells like (not that I’d know) — I quietly put them back on the rack. But, if I smell Durex, well, that’s like New Pants Smell, and my only remaining complaint is how skinny jeans make me a sexual hazard in the workplace.

Life isn’t that simple, however, and neither are movies ….

Read the rest of my argument at:

Your Week in Seriously Times: Dec. 11 – 17, 2011

Boobies, neckties, porn, sad cookie disease, and Newt Gingrich’s “Lil’ Lincoln Monument” — it’s all in this week’s SeriouslyGuys recap:

  • Thinking of killing yourself after that big break-up? Try raw cookie dough. Or, just drink a lot and have unprotected sex with the batter. (Dec. 13, 2011)
  • The University of Kansas is aware of its draw to pornographers and has nipped that officially in the bud … which never backfires when it comes to the Internet. (Dec. 14, 2011)