Just three more weeks of this nonsense

Unless the race of handsome aliens finally rescues Tom Brady from this world, this is the only chance you’ll get to see Tebow hold the football sideways like he did in those plays about gangs during Youth Group.
Unless the race of handsome aliens finally rescues Tom Brady from this world, this is the only chance you’ll get to see Tebow hold the football sideways like he did in those plays about gangs during Youth Group.

Last week heralded the return of football. Unfortunately, it’s preseason, which looks a lot like college ball: a parade of players in the final stage of their tryouts, while guaranteed performers are kept on the back burner to prevent injuries. (Or, as Dan Snyder calls them: “unapproved Paid Time Off.”)

Preseason football is the handjob you endure for now because you know there will be sex in a couple of weeks. You just have to put your time in first, get to really know your team, first string and last. And then, POW! Bangin’ all the way until February, when you f**k things up by dropping the ball on Valentine’s. (And after that division championship she got you for Steak and a Blowjob Day? For shame.)

My wife’s lackluster handjob was Tim Tebow because she’s one of those people who thinks the city of Boston walks on water.


But, that’s not to say you can’t enjoy preseason football. It is, after all, not college football, which sucks, no matter what people from Alabama try to tell you.*

For example: last week, I had to endure three quarters of Rex Grossman, a player that even the Bears got tired of. And that was a team that, before Grossman, hadn’t been to a Super Bowl since 1985 and hasn’t been back since.

To be honest, I couldn’t pick Sexy Rexy out of a lineup with his helmet off, so here’s Rex Manning.
To be honest, I couldn’t pick Sexy Rexy out of a lineup with his helmet off, so here’s Rex Manning.

However, what happened that fourth quarter — just when I was about to cue up Star Trek — made it all worthwhile: watching Pat White, the fourth stringer, earn Grossman’s third string spot the way Brian Griese had taken it from Sexy Rexy in 2007 and Kyle Orton after him.

Also, watching fans take a preseason win as a sign of this being “their year.” The 2008 Detroit Lions, who won all four of their preseason games before embarking on what would be the first imperfect NFL season since Baltimore’s first football team, would laugh at your hubris if it didn’t bring back so many sad, painful memories.

So, while, yes, preseason football is mostly a fight between second and third stringers, at least you know that your team will be alright should the bus accident from Beetlejuice happen. (Something similar happened to Lynyrd Skynyrd, which means that fans don’t ever have to put up with hearing “one from our new album.”)

“What do you mean ‘Kirk Cousins is starting tonight?’”
“What do you mean ‘Kirk Cousins is starting tonight?’”

Or, at the very least, a glorious start to what could very well turn out to be a mediocre year.

*Yes, yes: some college players transition naturally into the pros their rookie year. Strangely enough, though, the top 3 rookie performers last year — Russell Wilson, Andrew Luck and RG III — were not from the SEC, indicating that even college football rankings (just like your degree) don’t matter in the real world. (The 4th, Casey Hayward, came from Vanderbilt. Let me reiterate: Vanderbilt.)

This post originally appeared on SeriouslyGuys.

Your Week in Seriously Times: Sept. 23 – 29, 2012

“Long time” turned out to be measured in Chris Farley years.

Sex dolls, eunuchs, dolphins, Opposite Day, Canadians, and Ahmadinejad — if wet nightmares were a thing, this would be one. Alas, they’re just the topics this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • Rescue workers are getting very good at retrieving drowned sex dolls. They’d save one if giving them mouth-to-mouth didn’t taste funny. (Sept. 24, 2012)
  • Korean eunuchs lived longer than their swingin’ peers. In other news: accidentally sitting on your balls can kill you. (Sept. 25, 2012)
  • If you fed Beggar the dolphin, come claim your share of the prize. (Sept. 26, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Either Wednesday was Opposite Day, or frat brothers squirting Sutter Home up each others asses is now acceptable. Or wasting food. Or wishing referees a good day. (Sept. 26, 2012)
  • Ha ha! U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon still believes there’s a Canadian Prime Minister! Also: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad takes stereotypes very seriously in his War on Jewishness. (Sept. 28, 2012)

Opposite Day

When British General Lord Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington, his drum and fife corps played “The World Turn’d Upside Down.”

History is full of opposite days. So much so, in fact, that I spent every day between kindergarten and today practicing for one. Especially when caught in a childhood gaffe, like accidentally admitting to watching David the Gnome every day. “What? No! I was kidding! It’ s Opposite Day. Or is it?

Reading today’s news, it’s either Opposite Day, or I drove through a dimensional detour on my way to work. After all, there are certain truths that will always be true, right? Truths like …

Frat Bros Drink

In this world, there has always been one given: college students, particularly those in fraternities, will drink alcohol. And sometimes, they will drink enough to nearly die from it. But, I never believed that I would see the day when frat brothers chose (A) wine — even if it was boxed wine:

“Reports released by [University of Tennessee] police Wednesday say investigators saw beer cans and bottles and ‘bags from wine boxes, some empty and some partially empty, strewn across the halls and rooms.'”

… and (B) ingest it anally:

“‘Upon extensive questioning, it is believed that members of the fraternity were using rubber tubing inserted into their rectums as a conduit for alcohol as the abundance of capillaries and blood vessels present greatly heightens the level and speed of the alcohol entering the bloodstream as it bypasses the filtering by the liver,’ Knoxville Police spokesman Darrell DeBusk said Monday in a statement.”

In other words, the next generation, possibly second to the one that defeated fascism, has invented freeanusing boxed wine.

True story: I thought for most of my life that I didn’t like wine. It turned out that I just didn’t like the wine my parents bought. Had I known that I could drink it without a drop ever touching my tastebuds, I’d be a Pink Zinfidel to this very day, never the wiser and with Fess Parker-scented farts.

Parents Want You to Eat Your Vegetables

The oldest fight between American children and parents wasn’t the Civil War. It began even further back in history at the dinner table over vegetables. I knew kids who nearly died of old age because they couldn’t be excused until they ate their peas. And, even that was a hollow victory, because guess what turned up in the next night’s casserole? It was the first Scott Tenorman chili cook-off.

By nature, children’s tastes are garbage. Given the choice between a fine turkey dinner with all the trimmings and pizza-flavored chicken nuggets, your kid — the genius you brag to your friends about — will chose the breaded marinara monstrosity every time, especially if it comes with penguin on the box and a microwaveable brownie.

So, when public schools started selling healthier lunches in cafeterias this week, it went about as well as I expected it to: in Glee-style rebellion.

The opening alone demonstrates why math and science-related jobs are shipped overseas. As the students who made it correctly assert, “Active teens require 2000 – 5000 calories a day to meet growth and energy needs.” They follow this with the new school lunch policy mandate, that “all teens receive only 750 – 850 calories per lunch.”

2000 to 5000 calories a day is clearly not being met by a 750 to 850 calorie lunch. Obviously. Because there are three meals in a day (30 meals if you’re a hobbit), you fuuuuture leaders of the free world. If you eat three meals equivalent to the bare minimum lunch, then you’ve consumed 2250 calories that day. And that’s assuming that these students are actually eating all 750 calories, every meal.

Oh, what’s that, janitors?

“‘I throw some of it away,’ admitted one student. Others agreed.”

So, it’s up to parents to leap once more upon the breach and force them to eat their green beans, seeds and all. We all know where this is going: “starving kids in Darfur,” “throwing my tax dollars away,” maybe even a few “why, in my day’s” …

“I think the main point is that our federal government has once again put its 2 cents into something and [f–ked] it up again……as usual. To put a blanket lunch (one size fits all) is another stupid act by Obama and this time, the wonderful do nothing first lady.”

Well, OK then. It’s perfectly alright to throw away food when politically expedient.

You suck, ref!

At least we’ll always be glad to see the referees that ruined past games get kicked out of the NFL, right?

Nope! After three weeks of shoddy play-calling by scrappy, young scabs, talks have begun of a fan boycott of the NFL should the league fail to reach an agreement with the unionized professional referees. You’ll recall that these are the same refs that we’ve been mailing coupons for Lenscrafters and Lasik treatments since Rutgers and Princeton added rules to their annual field brawl.

As Weird Al once sang, everything I know is wrong. Black is white, and it’s barely noticeable on a blind ref’s uniform, but wrong, nevertheless. We’ll see how long this Opposite Day goes.

[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”perspective-left” width=”600px” height=”” background_color=”#9eca5a” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]This post originally appeared on SeriouslyGuys and HumorOutcasts.[/dropshadowbox]

Your Week in Seriously Times: Feb. 5 – 11, 2012

I also appointed my Supreme Court Dream Team: Florida Judge John Hurley as Chief Justice and eight clones of Judge Hurley.

The finger, blood clots, spanking, court-ordered dates, lying doctors, and bullet-ridden laptops; it looks like everybody had it in for you this week. Here’s the recap if you survived:

  • You know the culture war’s over when the PTC focuses on an errant finger in the middle of the most gay-friendly Super Bowl halftime show since Up With People. (Feb. 6, 2012)
  • Just when you think the airline industry has cut out all complimentary services in coach, they find one more to take away: blood clots. (Feb.7, 2012)
  • Canadian scientists discover kids are like a faulty television: smacking it may fix undesirable behavior in the short term, maybe even knock some dust off, but your Samsung is still broken and probably even more so now. (Feb. 8, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Red Lobster got just about the worst endorsement it never asked for. (Feb. 8, 2012)
  • A dad shoots his teenage daughter’s laptop after she posts mean things about him on Facebook so that she’ll never do it again. In other news, the MPAA believes they’ve finally licked their Internet piracy problem. (Feb. 10, 2012)

*Joke credit goes to online compadre, Abel Undercity.

Pros and Cons of Surviving 2011

Among the entries, we say farewell to Kim Jong-il, whose ladies-sunglasses-wearing, Hair-Club-for-Men-presidential like we will never see again.

Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.

So, here’s an entirely subjective list of what went right and wrong in 2011 before greeting Bolon Yokte as an old friend at midnight, Jan. 1.

Read this year’s entries at:

Your Week in Seriously Times: Dec. 4 – 10, 2011

To recap this week’s daily SeriouslyGuys updates:

  • NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell continues his mission to have every artist on his wife’s iPad play the Super Bowl Halftime Show, and this year it’s Madonna’s turn. (Dec. 5, 2011)