Your Week in Seriously Times: Dec. 16 – 22, 2012

“I’m a shameful reminder of your 1960s prenatal substance abuse!”
“I’m a shameful reminder of your 1960s prenatal substance abuse!”

Reality, Rudolph, microlives, guns, spider puppets, and Space Rangers — none of those will give you a power-up, but they are this past week’s topics on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • If our world is, indeed, a computer simulation, then some user totally just watched you pick your nose. (Yes, I saw it, too.) (Dec. 17, 2012)
  • Why Rudolph’s Nose is Red, or How the Writers of Mad Men Could Never Come Up with a Better Name for a Drunk Mom Than “Mitzi Donner.” (Dec. 18, 2012)
  • In the time it took you to read this, you gained two microlives, but then lost four for not sharing this post with your friends. (Dec. 19, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee … took a break this week so that we could bring you the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia’s response to yet another shooting tragedy. If this keeps up, RAM isn’t sure how we’ll keep up. (Dec. 19, 2012)
  • Spiders weren’t content with being the world’s second most hated thing behind Jeff Dunham. (Dec. 20, 2012)
  • NASA solved their budget woes by marketing for Disney. (Dec. 21, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Oct. 28 – Nov. 3, 2012

I’ll make sure they mention Me all the time so that everyone will know it’s My little joke.

Anti-authoritarian moose, postmarked pythons, crooked K-9s, and unintelligently-designed NASA computer specialists — we’re gonna need a bigger exterminator. Also, they’re the topics this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

A Mountie tried to take two moose’s insolence sitting down and nearly lost his mount (squad car) in the process. (Oct. 30, 2012)

If you’re still waiting for your Snakes of the Month delivery in South Africa, then authorities — and some frightened postal workers — would like to have a word with you. (Oct. 31, 2012)

The U.S. Supreme Court will decide whether police dogs have been planting evidence on us this whole ti — Uh, that’s not mine. I’m holding it for man’s best friend. (Nov. 1, 2012)

Advocating intelligent design won’t get you fired from NASA, but it is generally evidence of other mental, professional failings. (Nov. 2, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Aug. 26 – Sep. 1, 2012

Cut or uncut?

Foreskin, Bigfoot, hangmen, Will.i.am, and beer — the weekly recap of SeriouslyGuys posts returns with a bang. (Not that I didn’t post on SeriouslyGuys those other weeks. I’ve just been a little too busy to post them up here.) Anywho, here’s the recap:

  • There’s a foreskin on your dick; no, there’s not. And American pediatricians say that’s OK. (Aug. 27, 2012)
  • A man who tried to impersonate Bigfoot by wearing a ghillie suit was run over by some teens. Scooby and the gang do. not. fuck. around. (Aug. 28, 2012)
  • Having trouble finding work? Sri Lanka needs a new h _ _ g m _ _. (Aug. 29, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: ♪ NASA gets retarded, ha! NASA gets retarded, in here!(Aug. 29, 2012)
  • The quickest way to a man’s stomach is through a curvy glass. (Aug. 31, 2012)

NASA’s Newest Mission: Relevancy

In 2008, NASA beamed a recording of The Beatles’ “Across the Universe” into space. Four years, a severely cut budget and no response later, they’ve taken a new tack: assaulting Mars with Will.i.am. And make no mistake: a sonic bombardment of auto-tuned Black-Eyed Pea is just that, an assault, perhaps meant to drive lifeforms out of hiding so they’ll try to turn the stereo off. Or even just pound on the ceilings of their subterranean lairs with a broom handle. Any reaction that gives them away will do, really.

History will remember this as the catalyzing moment that led to robots’ rights.

So, how did we arrive at this point, where America’s space agency has mohawks and Mars rovers with twitter accounts? With the end of manned space missions, NASA has embraced a new goal: cultural relevancy.

You can’t blame them. When 46 percent — nearly half — of Americans believe in strictly creationism and a sitting member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology doesn’t know how rape works (and yet has an opinion about it), it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that nobody cares about space exploration unless we find God a la Star Trek V.

Good for you, NASA. You cracked the code to making the news cycles and, maybe one day, more money. But, where do you go from here? I’m glad you asked … Continue reading NASA’s Newest Mission: Relevancy

Your Week in Seriously Times: Jul. 22 – 28, 2012

Space smells, dangerous sex, guns, ancient bras, and break-up lessons — either my space opera novella was picked up by a publisher … or, these were the topics of SeriouslyGuys this week. Here’s the recap:

  • Flies and the bats who eat them prove that men are faster at sex because, unlike women, we care about predators. Women, amiright? (Jul. 24, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: The right to my hobby to fire 100 rifle rounds at the shooting range without reloading shall not be infringed. And the rest of you just have to subsidize that hobby with your lives. (Jul. 25, 2012)
  • The Boston Public Health Commission teaches teens the right way to dump each other. If only they could teach them to be less of an asshole at Sox games. (Jul. 27, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Apr. 1 – 7, 2012

You're gonna have to wu those ladies, male pandas. (Don't worry, I regret typing that as much as you do reading it.)

Asteroids, cavity searches, naughty sheriffs, panda sex, and ghost pirates — why no, I’m not developing the greatest video game ever. These are just the topics of this week’s SeriouslyGuys posts. Here’s the recap:

  • Take it from Snee: I postpone writer’s block for the rest of the month by launching a three-part series, Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners and Children. This week is part one: the executive branch! (Apr. 4, 2012)
  • The U.S. Coast Guard sank a ghost ship off the coast of Alaska. Next up: demolishing that abandoned theme park on the edge of town. Your days of pussyfooting around are over, Mystery Machine. (Apr. 6, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Feb. 19 – 25, 2012

Yogis suggest belly-twisting beforehand to wring the toxins out for more productive spitting.

Soccer sucking, magma, spitting, women, booze, and Chuck Norris — What? No, I didn’t go CPAC. Those are just the topics from my SeriouslyGuys posts this week. Here’s the recap:

  • How long do you have to stick with something before you know it sucks? It took one Australian soccer team owner four years. (Feb. 20, 2012)
  • If you ever wondered why astronauts take long, jumping strides on the moon, it’s because THE FLOOR IS LAVA! (Feb. 21, 2012)
  • How to know your beer glass is clean, and what’s an age-appropriate designated driver in what may be the beginning of a new series: I can’t drink it for you. (Feb. 23, 2012)