Talk to your parents about drugs

“Why don’t I get the check, and then we can inject heroin into one of my testicles. Ladies’ choice.”
“Why don’t I get the check, and then we can inject heroin into one of my testicles. Ladies’ choice.”

Parents. According to conventional wisdom, they know best. But, as you move out — be it for school, work or marriage — ask yourself this: do you know where they are and what they’re doing right now?

Maybe they’re knitting. Or gardening. Or doing it to DVDs full of people with pubic hair. Or — as it’s turning out to be the case — marijuana.

And if you think it’s not your parents, think again. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (a division of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services), illicit drug use among 50- to 64-year-olds has doubled since 2002.

So, what are you going to do to make sure your parents don’t turn on, tune in and drop out … again?

Learn the signs

The first step to pointing out others’ problems is knowing that they have one and then admitting it to them. People aged 50 and above won’t make this easy for you.

Called the Baby Boomers, this set of precocious young elderly people have devised their own lingo for the drugs we take for granted today. They might use strange terms like “grass,” “weed” or “doobies.” Or even refer to it in archaic measurements like “dimes” from a time when people used solid metal coins for currency.

Is this photo from 1973 or 2013? Thanks to Instagram, who knows?
Is this photo from 1973 or 2013? Thanks to Instagram, who knows?

If you think monitoring them online will help you keep tabs on their activities, forget about it. While Boomers may set up Facebook or Twitter accounts, many of them eat meals — or mushroomswithout posting a single picture online. No, not even on Snapchat.

Instead, you’ll have to watch what they do in a space called “offline.” Keep a watch for strange smells emanating from the garage and Frank Zappa music. Or long, aimless car trips when they “just need to drive.” And if they mention that they’re thinking about trying a “B&B,” that is code for “blunts and Beelzebub,” which is when they smoke marijuana and worship lesser Satanic demons.

What to do

“I’m not mad, mom and dad. Just … disappointed.”
“I’m not mad, mom and dad. Just … disappointed.”

The important thing is to remain calm. Loud emotional outbursts — like sob-yelling, “Hypocrites!” — is exactly the kind of thing that triggers the giggles if they’ve just “baked.”

Wait until your parents have suitably mellowed out, and then calmly explain that you know what they’ve been doing and that, when you were your age, you tried marijuana and other drugs, too.

While you can’t outright forbid your parents from taking drugs, you can make sure they know how to do them safely. Ask to meet their dealer, or if medical marijuana is legal in your state, take them to a medical dispensary so that they can learn the safest ways to obtain and use it.

And then, once that’s over, go visit your grandparents and talk to them about chlamydia.

And maybe their pill addiction, too.
And maybe their pill addiction, too.

This post originally appeared on SeriouslyGuys.

Your Week in Seriously Times: Jun. 3 – 9, 2012

Pot moms, junk food, AIDS, fat heads, and abortion — chances are good that my first week back at SeriouslyGuys will offend somebody. Here’s the recap:

  • Disney announced they will market less junk food to children on their channels. That doesn’t mean, however, that you’ll be able to leave the couch in the middle of a Boy Meets World marathon to exercise. (Jun. 6, 20102)
  • Ask Dr. Snee: The slow summer news media season opens, which means it’s time to crap our pants over the next “New AIDS.” (Jun. 6, 2012)
  • White people are fatheads. You can’t argue with that; it’s science. (Jun. 7, 2012)
  • A Republican Congressman from Alabama earns his wings by attaching an anti-abortion measure to a Homeland Security spending bill. Your government, can you feel it getting smaller? (Jun. 8, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Apr. 22 – 28, 2012

OK, so this is a few days late. As I warned before, updates are going to be much slower until I’m settled into my new environs, much like a newly-arrived panda stud at the National Zoo. Better late than never, unlike Ling-Ling’s period.

Wounded ladies, dead zookeepers, and cracking potheads — I might have worked out some frustrations this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • It looks like the Dutch tourist industry just went to pot. (Apr. 27, 2012)