Your Week in Seriously Times: Jun. 24 – 30, 2012

Weekend at Rapa Nui’s

Mysterious stone monuments, Jenny McCarthy, invading bears, Ryan Reynolds, robot hands, and Jewish Nazis — I can’t even think of way to tie these all together, other than they were the topics of SeriouslyGuys this week. Here’s the recap:

  • Science gets to the bottom of our two greatest stone mysteries: Stonehenge and Easter Island. It involves more Weekend at Bernie’s than you’d expect. (Jun. 25, 2012)
  • Massachusetts is dealing with a menace invading their neighborhoods: black bears. Build the dang fence already! (Jun. 27, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Ryan Reynolds will be the new Highlander in the upcoming remake. Christopher Lambert is reportedly inconsolable, still French. (Jun. 27, 2012)
  • “Hey, you know how I’ve been really against Jewish people breathing our air and making better comedy movies? About that …” — No, not Mel Gibson. (Jun. 29, 2012)

There Can Be Only One (But Not Necessarily Ryan Reynolds)

Sometimes I want to rush home after work to my French colonial-themed masturbatorium, too.

Salutations, Hollywood executive! You may be wondering why I’m writing you this open letter, and why my headshot is actually a full-body nude. I’ll answer your second question first: I have a lot of these lying around, mostly labeled “return to sender” with a restraining order enclosed

As to your first question: congratulations on your upcoming remake of the 1986 cinematic classic, Highlander. The original, as I’m sure you’re aware, was not well-received by critics, but was a rousing cult hit that spawned a lot of crappy sequels and reintroduced America to one Thomas Sean Connery. In other words, I believe you will enjoy reasonably tremendous success, so long as more women attend than those dragged by their boyfriends with ponytails to the theater.

I see you had just this demographic in mind when you announced your casting of Ryan Reynolds as this century’s Connor MacLeod (of the Clan MacLeod). While I think you have the right idea, I’d like you to take a step back — but within view of the monitor that your intern is assumedly holding up for you right now — and bear with me when I say: there are actors who aren’t Ryan Reynolds. Some of them may even live in your neck of the woods. (Perhaps balancing a frappucino and your monitor?) Continue reading There Can Be Only One (But Not Necessarily Ryan Reynolds)