Nazi pigeons, born again child actors, sexy Korean dictators, Florida, and NYC homicides — there really is no logical connector for this week’s topics on SeriouslyGuys. Our world is strange and wonderful, indeed. Here’s the recap:
The British found an undelivered coded message strapped to a disembodied pigeon leg from World War II. The double-agent is suspected of having flown the coup to Argentina, nursing a flesh wound. (Nov. 26, 2012)
It turns out that when God closes a door, he opens a window for you to rant out of. (Nov. 27, 2012)
Unlike his father and grandfather, Kim Jong Un doesn’t rely on his own propaganda teams to invent new achievements. (Nov. 28, 2012)
Take it from Snee: Florida has yet to get democracy right after flubbing it in 2000, much less handle a Department of Health sex survey. Perhaps we should cut our losses at Georgia. (Nov. 28, 2012)
New Yorkers couldn’t manage to kill each other even by accident for 36 hours. (Nov. 29, 2012)
SeriouslyGuys documented earlier this month how crazed and/or bored Internet users in mostly Southern states filed petitions to secede from the United States almost immediately after President Barack Obama won reelection. Of course, many Web sites like ours joked about letting those mostly former Confederate states go their merry, debt-filled, uninsured way.
Look, nobody most people weren’t really serious about that. Not really, anyway. While, yes, things would be simpler if the states that require the most federal money, yet never want to pay for it, struck it out on their own, we wouldn’t be the same country. Deep fried Oreos would be reclassified as “ethnic food” just because it comes from another country, and our nation’s foodies eat enough fried foreign tripe as it is.
But, what about Florida?
It’s tempting to brush the thought off as reheated jokes from 2000 … but wouldn’t any other state have gotten their shit together in the twelve years since they attempted to derail democracy in America? Not Florida. Consider that in 2012, when even phones are smarter, Florida still managed to take nearly a month to settle what should have been a routine Congressional election.
Make no mistake, though: Florida’s questionable election practices is merely the Charlie Parker record I’m playing to set the mood. I’ve not yet begun to take this state to Poundtown.
Florida may be the most self-loathing of all states, having embraced a set of laws that allow armed citizens to cull their human population. What we call “vigilantes,” Floridians now call “ground-standing Americans.” Their latest example is Michael Dunn, who police have charged with murdering (but only to the second degree) an unarmed black teenager after opening fire on his friend’s car. Granted, he and his friends didn’t turn down their music even when a white man asked them to. Coupled with their skin color, this makes them a threat, and ground must be stood!
Unfortunately, Florida’s plan for more Florida per Floridian can only result in buyer’s remorse once the remaining state citizens realize what they’ve fought for. Fortunately, Florida is also unable to research birth control, so those numbers should go back up, no matter how many neighborhood watch captains they appoint.
Their latest attempt, aptly titled “Florida’s Women’s Contraception Use Survey,” managed to rankle their own media for simply asking the appropriate party, Florida’s women, to anonymously confirm or deny their use of contraceptives. When one survey went to a woman under the age of 18, a demographic that never has sex, the state Department of Health was forced to rescind a second mailing.
So, if we keep Florida, we keep the state that can neither control their penises or their penis metaphors. And can we really call them American if they still can’t get the basics like voting down? Perhaps it’s time to castrate the United States before it can get us in trouble again.
Movember Update: The Final Days
This is it! After 28 days, my mustache is as full and molestery as it’s gonna get, and there’s only two days left to make your donation. I’ve jeopardized my sex life and continued employment, but it’s all been worth it thanks to your support.
Together, we’ve raised $810 dollars, all of which goes to the Prostate Cancer Foundation, Livestrong and the Movember Foundation. And, with my two teammates, we’ve raised a cool $1,000 dollars for the cause!
It’s not too late to help, though. Do you want to wake up December 1st and say to yourself, “Self, I meant to donate to Movember 2012, but I just ran out of time?” Of course not! If you can donate, go to my Movember page while it’s still fresh on your mind.
And if you can’t donate, but shared the page with your friends, rated my mustache or didn’t use my picture to teach your kids about Stranger Danger, then thank you!
Take it from Snee: Green Day pulls the “Don’t you know who I am?!” card instead of playing the final minute of their set. Justin Bieber throws up twice on stage and doesn’t stop his show. Conclusion:the gods of punk are fickle, indeed. (Oct. 3, 2012)
Hey, you! No, the other chick on top of a manatee. Yeah, you! (Oct. 5, 2012)
Take it from Snee: Either Wednesday was Opposite Day, or frat brothers squirting Sutter Home up each others asses is now acceptable. Or wasting food. Or wishing referees a good day. (Sept. 26, 2012)
Ha ha! U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon still believes there’s a Canadian Prime Minister! Also: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad takes stereotypes very seriously in his War on Jewishness. (Sept. 28, 2012)
GOProud may be a Republican organization for gay people, but that doesn’t mean gay issues are a priority. Just like how women’s groups will tolerate an occasional slap if you buy groceries. (Jun. 22, 2012)
Rampaging girl scouts, spider webs, metro bears, movies, clear cola, and petty theft … If this week were made into a movie, it’d gross $300 million domestic and an additional $600 million worldwide. (People who don’t speak our language are enamored with our explosions and American flags.) Here’s the recap:
One’s a loose cannon who plays by her own rules. The other’s a loose cannon who plays by her own rules, which sound suspiciously like the rules of our first loose cannon. Together, they’re fighting crime, one Samoa at a time. Coming to a door near you: Girl Scouts. (Mar. 5, 2012)
Bears have discovered exfoliation technology, which means it’s only a matter of time before they uncover tweezing and hot wax. Point is: are you sure you’re hugging a human being right now? (Mar. 7, 2012)
Take it from Snee: What do the Wilhelm scream, three-point landings, and exclamations of “It begins!” have in common? They’re all ruining otherwise OK movies. (Mar. 7, 2012)
Thanks to the goodness of Coca-cola’s heart (and now PepsiCo, too), we will never have to relive the debacle of 1992 – 1993, otherwise known as the Crystal Pepsi Crisis. (Mar. 8, 2012)
The finger, blood clots, spanking, court-ordered dates, lying doctors, and bullet-ridden laptops; it looks like everybody had it in for you this week. Here’s the recap if you survived:
You know the culture war’s over when the PTC focuses on an errant finger in the middle of the most gay-friendly Super Bowl halftime show since Up With People. (Feb. 6, 2012)
Just when you think the airline industry has cut out all complimentary services in coach, they find one more to take away: blood clots. (Feb.7, 2012)
Canadian scientists discover kids are like a faulty television: smacking it may fix undesirable behavior in the short term, maybe even knock some dust off, but your Samsung is still broken and probably even more so now. (Feb. 8, 2012)
Take it from Snee: Red Lobster got just about the worst endorsement it never asked for. (Feb. 8, 2012)
A dad shoots his teenage daughter’s laptop after she posts mean things about him on Facebook so that she’ll never do it again. In other news, the MPAA believes they’ve finally licked their Internet piracy problem. (Feb. 10, 2012)
The Mikado in the eponymous Gilbert and Sullivan play sings that, as the most humane Mikado in all of Japanese history, he believes that every punishment should fit its crime. And certainly a no more humane judge did in Florida exist than Judge John Hurley, who recently sentenced a husband in a domestic abuse case to time with his wife.
While a lesser judge might have sentenced Joseph Bray to jail time for, as his wife Sonja described, shoving her to the sofa and grabbing her by the neck, Judge Hurley recognized this the way any Floridian would: a happy birthday chokeslam. (The two were fighting because Joseph failed to wish his wife a happy birthday.)
So, that’s why the judge ruled that they must:
Consume flowers. (That’s why women always need more, right?)
Go to Red Lobster.
Go bowling, a bloodsport that — in my experience — has settled more marriages than any other besides Monopoly.
After all, this whole incident boiled down to what Judge Hurley described as a “very, very minor” example of domestic violence. It’s only assault if it happens in a bar, workplace or anywhere else that isn’t your living room.
Not only do I offer Judge John Hurley my congratulations on a verdict well reached, but I wish him a long and illustrious career over other cases. Cases like ….