Your Week in Seriously Times: Sep. 9 – 15, 2012

Construction workers hope to appease the spider with a human sacrifice.

Spiders, Emma Watson, Titanic, democracy, animal heresies, and freak-nasty ladies — if John Carpenter wrote the screenplay for this week, this is what it’d look like on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • An endangered spider halted construction on an underpass in Texas. And, there’s only way to kill an endangered spider, which is with a panda loafer. (Sep. 10, 2012)
  • Of all celebrities today, Emma Watson has the most computer viruses. Allohora valacyclovir! (Sep. 11, 2012)
  • “Jack, you can’t come up on the raft. We’re too heavy.” “… Are you still wearing that big ass diamond, Rose?” (Sep. 12, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: By upgrading your national operating system to Democracy®, you have automatically agreed to the user terms. Violating these terms will cause Democracy® to uninstall from your system. (Sep. 12, 2012)
  • Snakes and monkeys are just begging — begging — for a Spanish Inquisition. (Sep. 13, 2012)
  • Women are down for just about anything if you cover it in rose petals first. (Sep. 14, 2012)

Explaining Democracy to Foreigners and Children

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Explaining [U.S. political institution] to Foreigners and Children! But, more importantly

Congratulations on downloading and installing Democracy® on your PC or Mac-based national operating system! Upgrading to Democracy® from previous systems of government may include complications, particularly if replacing a strong arm dictator that ate up all of your resources. This manual should help you navigate the pitfalls that may occur when new users attempt to operate unfamiliar Democratic™ applications, like FreeSpeech™ and FreeWorship™.

Egypt and Libya: technically, this is your appointment at the Genius Bar®, but I hope you won’t mind if others (like the aforementioned children) follow along. However, do not attempt to bootleg and share Explaining Democracy® to Foreigners and Children (© 1789) with unlicensed Democracy® users, as this violates my copyright and your warranty.

1) FreeSpeech™

FreeSpeech™ is a revolutionary, though admittedly hard to use, social application of Democracy®.

[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”perspective-left” width=”600px” height=”” background_color=”#ffffff” border_width=”2″ border_color=”#f00000″ ]WARNING! Using FreeSpeech™ can result in irritation, titillation, laughter, great vengeance, and furious anger. Do not use in movie theaters unless prompted by a bouncing ball or in case of actual fire.[/dropshadowbox]

The most common FreeSpeech™ user errors stem from unfamiliarity with truly free speech. While other national operating systems permit administrator level users to say whatever they want, Democracy® allows anyone to participate.

Let’s move on.

When your FreeSpeech™ account is challenged, you may be tempted to answer in the way your previous system administrator did: with a bullet in the head. This violates the terms of the user agreement you signed by choosing to install and operate FreeSpeech™, and will most likely trigger your system to automatically uninstall Democracy®.

2) FreeWorship™

Democracy® will work on any belief system, even Linux. Using FreeSpeech™, you can create FreeWorship™ files anywhere you please … so long as the user does not attempt to install their particular religion as an operating system of government. Again, this violates the user agreement terms, resulting in uninstallation of Democracy®.

3) FreePress™

Democracy® does come with an anti-virus system called FreePress™. Please uninstall any anti-virus software from previous operating systems, like Secret Police; Sedition Law; or Trust Me, I’m Wealthy. Running previously installed anti-virus applications in a Democracy operating system can hinder FreePress functions and violates the user agreement terms.

4) FreeAssemble™

Democracy® allows users to form user groups at will using FreeAssemble™. Any user may choose to affiliate with any other users they wish. Excluding users on the basis of race, color, religion, sex, and national origin by the national or local operating systems will violate the user agreement terms, resulting in uninstallation of Democracy®. Excluding users at a non-operating system level doesn’t violate the user agreement terms, but does make you look like an asshole.


Another user used FreeSpeech™ and FreeWorship™ to produce a video calling my prophet a pedophile.

Did you try ignoring the other user? Or, responding with FreeSpeech™, challenging them to defend their position?

A cartoonist has used FreeSpeech™ and FreePress™ to ridicule alleged corruption in the national operating system.

Did you try ignoring the other user? Or, responding with FreeSpeech™, challenging them to defend their position?

A user has used FreeSpeech and FreePress™ to call my running mate and me liars.

Did you try using FreeSpeech™ in an honest, forthright manner?

A user has used FreeWorship and FreeAssemble to build a house of worship that I disagree with near my home.

Did you try using FreeSpeech™ to welcome the other user to the neighborhood? Or, ignoring them?

My copy of Democracy® has unexpectedly uninstalled.

Did you recently install a new leader? Try turning your national operating system off and back on again.

Welcome to the Democratic world! Please use your FreeDoms® responsibly, and enjoy your stay!

[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”perspective-left” width=”600px” height=”” background_color=”#89e196″ border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]This post originally appeared on SeriouslyGuys and HumorOutcasts.[/dropshadowbox]

Pros and Cons of Surviving 2011

Among the entries, we say farewell to Kim Jong-il, whose ladies-sunglasses-wearing, Hair-Club-for-Men-presidential like we will never see again.

Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.

So, here’s an entirely subjective list of what went right and wrong in 2011 before greeting Bolon Yokte as an old friend at midnight, Jan. 1.

Read this year’s entries at: