Your Week in Seriously Times: Jun. 10 – 16, 2012

Drunk kids, zombies, nudity, and your filthy, disgusting body — let’s just say it’s amazing I didn’t go to jail this week. Here’s the recap from SeriouslyGuys:

  • A vanity plate will never make you a zombie, no matter how many people you shoot in drive-bys with a stun gun. Related: the bar for douchey-ness has been raised. (Jun. 12, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: I bare it all* to save the animals. (Jun. 13, 2012)
  • What do your body and a crowded club have in common? Over 100 trillion strains of bacteria … and now a guest list. (Jun. 14, 2012)

*By PETA’s definition of nudity.

Your Week in Seriously Times: Jun. 3 – 9, 2012

Pot moms, junk food, AIDS, fat heads, and abortion — chances are good that my first week back at SeriouslyGuys will offend somebody. Here’s the recap:

  • Disney announced they will market less junk food to children on their channels. That doesn’t mean, however, that you’ll be able to leave the couch in the middle of a Boy Meets World marathon to exercise. (Jun. 6, 20102)
  • Ask Dr. Snee: The slow summer news media season opens, which means it’s time to crap our pants over the next “New AIDS.” (Jun. 6, 2012)
  • White people are fatheads. You can’t argue with that; it’s science. (Jun. 7, 2012)
  • A Republican Congressman from Alabama earns his wings by attaching an anti-abortion measure to a Homeland Security spending bill. Your government, can you feel it getting smaller? (Jun. 8, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Feb. 19 – 25, 2012

Yogis suggest belly-twisting beforehand to wring the toxins out for more productive spitting.

Soccer sucking, magma, spitting, women, booze, and Chuck Norris — What? No, I didn’t go CPAC. Those are just the topics from my SeriouslyGuys posts this week. Here’s the recap:

  • How long do you have to stick with something before you know it sucks? It took one Australian soccer team owner four years. (Feb. 20, 2012)
  • If you ever wondered why astronauts take long, jumping strides on the moon, it’s because THE FLOOR IS LAVA! (Feb. 21, 2012)
  • How to know your beer glass is clean, and what’s an age-appropriate designated driver in what may be the beginning of a new series: I can’t drink it for you. (Feb. 23, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Feb. 5 – 11, 2012

I also appointed my Supreme Court Dream Team: Florida Judge John Hurley as Chief Justice and eight clones of Judge Hurley.

The finger, blood clots, spanking, court-ordered dates, lying doctors, and bullet-ridden laptops; it looks like everybody had it in for you this week. Here’s the recap if you survived:

  • You know the culture war’s over when the PTC focuses on an errant finger in the middle of the most gay-friendly Super Bowl halftime show since Up With People. (Feb. 6, 2012)
  • Just when you think the airline industry has cut out all complimentary services in coach, they find one more to take away: blood clots. (Feb.7, 2012)
  • Canadian scientists discover kids are like a faulty television: smacking it may fix undesirable behavior in the short term, maybe even knock some dust off, but your Samsung is still broken and probably even more so now. (Feb. 8, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Red Lobster got just about the worst endorsement it never asked for. (Feb. 8, 2012)
  • A dad shoots his teenage daughter’s laptop after she posts mean things about him on Facebook so that she’ll never do it again. In other news, the MPAA believes they’ve finally licked their Internet piracy problem. (Feb. 10, 2012)

*Joke credit goes to online compadre, Abel Undercity.