Your Week in Seriously Times: Dec. 23 – 29, 2012

To make sure you get to do it again in the morning, refer to your “tweedle” as a “burying beetle” as often as you can during and immediately after copulation.
To make sure you get to do it again in the morning, refer to your “tweedle” as a “burying beetle” as often as you can during and immediately after copulation.

Animal-themed condoms and forbidden Russian babies — now that’s how you wrap a year up! Here’s the final recap for SeriouslyGuys in 2012:

  • The Center for Biological Diversity wants to curb human reproduction by comparing sex to bugs and dead tigers. And if that doesn’t work, they included a condom, too. (Dec. 27, 2012)
  • Now that the U.S. is sanctioning Russian human rights violators, President Vladimir Putin is protecting those human rights violators’ supply of redheaded stepchildren. (Dec. 28, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Jan. 15 – 22, 2012

Bald Barbies, dead pedestrians, Turkey, porn and poo — is it any wonder that 20 percent of us are a little (5 percent, very) crazy? Here’s the recap from SeriouslyGuys this week:

  • Sure, a bald cancer Barbie might be cheaper by cutting out hair production. But, how much do you think a pink Malibu Dream MRI Machine is gonna cost? (Jan. 16, 2012)
  • Hip-hop has moved on from killing rappers. Now it’s killing listeners. I would’ve made a joke about rock n’ roll suicides, but nobody’s gonna miss the rock artists that survived heroin and the ’90s. (Jan. 17, 2012)
  • Knowing he already planned to drop out of the race at the end of the week, Rick Perry decided to get in a few shots at Turkey before slipping into obscurity. (Jan. 18, 2012)
  • America the Institutional: The New York Department of Health believes 12 teenage girls at a high school outside of Buffalo are suffering mass hysteria, and yes, they’ve already ruled out their periods. Meanwhile, an annual national survey says 20 percent of Americans are a little crazy, while 5 percent of us killed and ate our surveyors. And then take CNN’s new quiz to determine if your boss is a psychopath. It’s only up for a limited time before the next CNN Girl quiz is posted. (Jan. 20, 2012)

That’s A Wrap

Although they are OK with plumbers plumbing plumb barefoot.

The Internet is up in arms over the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and PIPA. PIPA is actually an acronym and abbreviation within an abbreviation: the PROTECT IP Act — or the Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act — proving just how much thought the U.S. Senate puts into naming bills after minor British nobility over drafting applicable commonsense laws.

But, in all the hoopla, did we miss the passage of an even more dangerous law to the Internet?

The Los Angeles City Council voted 9-to-1 in favor of an ordinance that would strip film permits from porn producers whose actors don’t wear condoms. Los Angeles already requires adult actors to wear condoms, but this new ordinance provides an enforcement measure (unless they use they safe word).

I’ll admit it’s tempting to require adult actors to wear condoms at all times. As an Internet writer, I’m always shopping for new pants, and frankly, I’m tired of smell-checking inside the crotch before putting them on. If I smell something off — like whatever Astroglide smells like (not that I’d know) — I quietly put them back on the rack. But, if I smell Durex, well, that’s like New Pants Smell, and my only remaining complaint is how skinny jeans make me a sexual hazard in the workplace.

Life isn’t that simple, however, and neither are movies ….

Read the rest of my argument at: