The Declaration of Independence guarantees every American three basic things: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I’ve worked hard to be born a U.S. citizen, and dammit, I don’t expect any more or less than those very things.
For instance, when my office designated my favorite parking space a “handicapped” zone by “law,” I recognized it for what it really was: an attempt to steal my liberty (to park in that spot) and my life (the precious minutes that I can never have back after walking 10 extra feet to the door). Fortunately, I was able to redress this injustice by printing up a fake doctor’s note.
But, there are certain assaults on my god-given American rights that I can’t correct, like when People magazine, clearly in error, passed me over yet again for their “Sexiest Man Alive” cover. People, we’ll talk next year. Channing Tatum: not so fast there, Captain Abs. You’ve just made My Enemies List.
Welcome, Mr. Tatum. Or, can I call you Channing? Very well, Mr. Tatum. You have just joined a very exclusive list consisting of every person who has done me wrong. You now share a distinction only held by every other recipient of People magazine’s highest honor, the Sexiest Man Alive:
- Mel Gibson — the first one to be chosen, who ironically also has a problem with a different type of Chosen People
- Mark Harmon
- Harry Hamlin
John F. Kennedy, Jr. (deceased)
- Sean Connery
- Tom Cruise
Patrick Swayze (deceased)
- Nick Nolte
- Richard Gere ✓
- Brad Pitt ✓
Denzel Washington (did Man on Fire, so we’re cool)
- George Clooney ✓
- Harrison Ford
- Pierce Brosnan
- Both Ben Affleck and Matt Damon
- Johnny Depp ✓
- Jude Law
- Matthew McConaughey
- Ryan Reynolds
- Bradley Cooper
- and now, you, Channing Tatum
I want you to know that, though you are on My Enemies List, I hold you in the highest possible esteem because you are so attractive. But, do not mistake my esteem for mercy. You will rue the day you mentored under Mr. McConaughey to become part of the League of People‘s Extraordinarily Sexy Gentlemen.
I also warn you not to try to win this honor a second time. You’ll notice a few names with check marks by them. These denote men who ignored my wrath and must now endure a second helping of it. (I hope it makes you fat, Messrs. Gere, Pitt, Clooney and Depp.)
How long will I hate you, you may ask? Until you die, for then you are no longer “alive,” though your degree of sexiness will remain.
Or, until you make a movie like Man on Fire like Denzel Washington. (Also, unlike People, I wasn’t really comfortable with having only one black guy on my list.)
Or, finally, until I win. And then I will hate you or anyone else who steals my prize from me thereafter.
Rick Snee, gentleman of irate leisure
It is now Movember 14th, which means I am officially at the halfway point of growing a mustache. To date, I’ve raised $685 in personal donations. But, this year is a little different because I’m not alone. Joined by Rob Fox and John Karlin, Team Snee has raised $825. Thank you to everyone who has donated so far!
If you haven’t donated, yet, please consider doing so at my Movember page. To recap: I’m growing a mustache, which means I have to explain what Movember is every time somebody asks, “Why?” And the answer is that Movember raises money for the Prostate Cancer Foundation, Livestrong and the Movember Foundation, which is bad for cancer and good for pretty much everything else, including some up-and-coming disease that’s waiting in the wings for cancer’s place in the limelight.
So, please, give if you can. Otherwise, please stop by, read my daily diary updates, rate my mustache and “like” my page and share it with your friends. I’m not gonna lie: I posted video of me doing jumping jacks. I’m kind of desperate, but it’s all for the cause.
This post originally appeared on SeriouslyGuys and HumorOutcasts.