Your Week in Seriously Times: Apr. 1 – 7, 2012

You're gonna have to wu those ladies, male pandas. (Don't worry, I regret typing that as much as you do reading it.)

Asteroids, cavity searches, naughty sheriffs, panda sex, and ghost pirates — why no, I’m not developing the greatest video game ever. These are just the topics of this week’s SeriouslyGuys posts. Here’s the recap:

  • Take it from Snee: I postpone writer’s block for the rest of the month by launching a three-part series, Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners and Children. This week is part one: the executive branch! (Apr. 4, 2012)
  • The U.S. Coast Guard sank a ghost ship off the coast of Alaska. Next up: demolishing that abandoned theme park on the edge of town. Your days of pussyfooting around are over, Mystery Machine. (Apr. 6, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Mar. 25 – 31, 2012

Even when *you* get the bear, instead of vice versa, how does that not translate into a maulin'?

Hummingbirds, enemies, teen girls, cougars, and astronauts — put them all together and you get one deliciously sexy naughty dream. Also, they pretty much sum up this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • Plants: as if it wasn’t bad enough that we’re coughing up their semen for the next month or so, it turns out they also do the nasty with animals. One natural gas well has had enough of their lurid behavior. (Mar. 26, 2012)
  • A new Facebook app lets you declare your friends as enemies. You can’t add frenemies, though, so “it’s complicated” will have to suffice. (Mar. 27, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Whether you have employees, kids, or students, you get the chance to throw your weight around. But, what’s left to boss around when you don’t have any of those? (Mar. 28, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Mar. 11 – 17, 2012

That's an ancient Bull Moose proverb my grandmother used to tell me.

Baseball, strippers, Coldplay, pat-downs, political parties, psychics, and vasectomies — no, this isn’t a list of things I think about to delay an orgasm. They were the topics of this week’s SeriouslyGuys posts. Here’s the recap:

  • President Obama admits to having Coldplay on his iPod … but that doesn’t necessarily mean he likes them. The last time I shared a playlist with Joe Biden, my iPod caught a scorching case of the Hooties and the Blowfish. (Mar. 13, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: I attempt to explain our political parties to foreigners and children, and in the process discover that my grandmother was half Bull Moose. That makes me a quarter Moosish! (Mar. 14, 2012)
  • British psychics fail to prove themselves in three attempts to recreate an American test’s positive results. Looks like they’ll have to go back to lying about being psychic like every other psychic in the world. (Mar. 15, 2012)
  • Vasectomy providers see an upswing in patients during March Madness. And that’s not just depressed Duke fans who refuse to bring a child into this world. (Mar. 16, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Mar. 4 – 10, 2012

The story of the Wilhelm Scream is the story of White America.

Rampaging girl scouts, spider webs, metro bears, movies, clear cola, and petty theft … If this week were made into a movie, it’d gross $300 million domestic and an additional $600 million worldwide. (People who don’t speak our language are enamored with our explosions and American flags.) Here’s the recap:

  • One’s a loose cannon who plays by her own rules. The other’s a loose cannon who plays by her own rules, which sound suspiciously like the rules of our first loose cannon. Together, they’re fighting crime, one Samoa at a time. Coming to a door near you: Girl Scouts. (Mar. 5, 2012)
  • Bears have discovered exfoliation technology, which means it’s only a matter of time before they uncover tweezing and hot wax. Point is: are you sure you’re hugging a human being right now? (Mar. 7, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: What do the Wilhelm scream, three-point landings, and exclamations of “It begins!” have in common? They’re all ruining otherwise OK movies. (Mar. 7, 2012)
  • Thanks to the goodness of Coca-cola’s heart (and now PepsiCo, too), we will never have to relive the debacle of 1992 – 1993, otherwise known as the Crystal Pepsi Crisis. (Mar. 8, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Jan. 29 – Feb. 5

Edible goo, tased dog owners, a prince going to pretend war, Watchmen Babies, girlfriend adoptions, strippers and sex with children: it’s been a week that could only end with a super Sunday. Here’s the recap:

  • The adventures of a British prince in a magical land with Spanishy people and backwards-flowing toilets continue. (Feb. 1, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: DC ain’t afraid of no snake god or losing what little credibility they have left. Get ready for Watchmen prequels. (Feb. 1, 2012)
  • Some guy adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend. Don’t worry; he’s just rich and wants to keep his money after being arrested for drinking and running over a poor person. It’s not like he’s a pervert or nothing. (Feb. 2, 2012)
  • Republicans against supporting single moms? Well, that’s not so surprising. But, Catholics against sex with children? What is this? Wackytown? (Feb. 3, 2012)