Keep Calm and Drink

"According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night."
“According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night.”

Something is amiss in the United Kingdom. University College London researchers tried to reconcile alcohol sales with the amounts people claimed to drink in surveys, but the numbers just don’t match up. Nearly half of all booze sold in the U.K. is unaccounted for.

So, where did it go? A lesser writer might just chalk this up to people under-reporting what they drink, what business is it of yours, jack? And it makes some sense — anyone who’s ever been asked by a professor how much they’ve had to drink is more likely to low-ball that figure.

But, that still wouldn’t add up to twice as much booze sold as drunk. What the hell is going on in Merry Olde England? Let’s just say I have a few ideas …

“It belongs in a museum”

OK, so maybe — just maybe — collectors are storing it up. Most drinkers have a bottle of wine or fancy sippin’ whiskey stuffed away for a special occasion. (Movies have taught us that special occasions are when your police partner dies or if you’re trying to score with an eight or higher.)

But, c’mon. One stashed bottle per drinker is easily outweighed by the handle your average Churchill fan drinks a day.

Although it's entirely possible that Geddy Lee stole it all and keeps it in a mythical land called Canada.
Although it’s entirely possible that Geddy Lee stole it all and keeps it in a mythical land called Canada.

“How much did I … What day is it?

Every now and then, it’s easy to lose track of what and how much of anything you did, especially after your third shot between carbombs. So, if you’re counting up to the point where everything becomes hazy and accompanied by sepulchral mariachi music, then yeah, you had five last night. For all you know, you went straight home afterwards and didn’t kill a hooker.

Or on second thought, maybe you did buy those twenty lemondrops on your bar tab for yourself and not for the rest of the bar.

The point is that we’ll never know because everything from last night, including documentation was buried in a peat bog.

Three can keep a secret if the bartender is dead.
Three can keep a secret if the bartender is dead.

Also, if enough people were buying twice as much booze like the scenario above, then London would be completely prostitute-free. So much for that theory.


"Boozie Monster love whiskeys! UG GLUG GLUG!"
“Boozie Monster love whiskeys! UG GLUG GLUG!”

So, we’ve ruled out people lying about their drinking out of shame. They’re not filling bomb shelters with it for bartering after the Pound collapses. They’re certainly not drunkenly Jekyll-and-Hyding their way into the Guinness Book of World Records.

Then who — or what — is drinking half of all the booze in Great Britain?

I’m not saying it’s definitely supernatural, but has anybody seen Nessie walk a straight line lately?

Your Week in Seriously Times: Nov. 18 – 24, 2012

Seriously? You can’t do that at home?

Litigating nudists and booze weight — they’re not just two reasons to be thankful it was a short week. They’re also the topics this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

Oh, and hey, while you’re there, check out our new site format. Especially our randomized, rotating banners. (It might take a few refreshes to see all three.)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Sept. 16 – 22, 2012

Jesus Christ! Superstarrrr! Do ye think ye be what they say ye arrrrr?

Values voters, spiders, Mrs. of Nazareth, pirate medicine, Toddler Wine, and ageless hobbits — it’s not Kevin J. Anderson’s planned Lord of the Rings sequel, but this week’s topics on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • Rick Santorum reminds “economic conservative and libertarian types” that they’re not “elite, smart people.” (His words, not mine.) Something about the company they keep that sets the platform they vote for. (Sept. 17, 2012)
  • Guam swallowed snakes to get the birds, swallowed the birds to get the spiders — that wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her(Sept. 18, 2012)
  • Jesus may have had a wife. He doesn’t mention her parents, though, who wanted her to marry a doctor, not a carpenter. Bonus: it be Talk like a Pirate Day! (Sept. 19, 2012)
  • Ask Dr. Snee: We get to the bottom of several vexin’ pirate medical myths. Do ye have enough rum in yer first aid kit, mateys? (Sept. 19, 2012)
  • Moms know that the easiest way to get to know their kids is over a drink. The Guys are here to help … by launching our sequel to Baby Merlot: Toddler Wine. (Sept. 20, 2012)
  • J.R.R. Tolkein’s The Hobbit turned 75 this week and owes its continued relevance to hungover 6th grade teachers that managed to sign out an A/V cart before napping out. (Sept. 21, 20120)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Sept. 2 – 8, 2012

Figure 1: Science.

Voice mail, trauma, women, thermal scans, and French condoms — all things that are not made better with booze. Also, they’re this week’s topics on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • People would rather text after a missed call than leave a voice mail. Who says kids don’t read anymore? (Sept. 4, 2012)
  • Science is trying to figure out why drunk mice can’t recover from trauma. There has to be an easier way to fuck them, guys. (Sept. 5, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Part 3 of my ongoing series to unravel the mysteries of women, I take a minor scientific discovery and stretch it for my own purposes. Or, as regular readers call it: the uszh. (Sept. 5, 2012)
  • The Greeks are using Predator-vision to identify drunks. Apparently, wearing a goat on your dick wasn’t obvious enough. (Sept. 6, 2012)
  • Condom Town on Fuck River has their day in court and wins. The French are very serious about the sanctity of names. (Sept. 7, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Jun. 17 – 23, 2012

Haboob haikus, spear guns, Baby Merlot, fat salad, and gay Republicans — counter-intuition was this week’s theme on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • You just know that it’s images like this that made the inventor of x-ray machines get out of bed every morning. (Jun. 19, 2012)
  • Can I buy you and your baby a drink? Yes, according to the Danishes. (Jun. 20, 2012)
  • GOProud may be a Republican organization for gay people, but that doesn’t mean gay issues are a priority. Just like how women’s groups will tolerate an occasional slap if you buy groceries. (Jun. 22, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Feb. 12 – 18, 2012

Who says I can't be preachy?

Hovering, mooning, exploding, and drinking: it’s been the week of the gerunds! (It was also a shortened week because I got sick, hence no Wednesday post or “Take it from Snee.”) Here’s the recap:

  • It turns out that the insect secret to hovering is being top heavy. With Mattel’s announcement to sell licensed Back to the Future hoverboards, Newt Gingrich’s giant head will be unstoppable. (Except over water.) (Feb. 13, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Dec. 11 – 17, 2011

Boobies, neckties, porn, sad cookie disease, and Newt Gingrich’s “Lil’ Lincoln Monument” — it’s all in this week’s SeriouslyGuys recap:

  • Thinking of killing yourself after that big break-up? Try raw cookie dough. Or, just drink a lot and have unprotected sex with the batter. (Dec. 13, 2011)
  • The University of Kansas is aware of its draw to pornographers and has nipped that officially in the bud … which never backfires when it comes to the Internet. (Dec. 14, 2011)