We're trying to serve pink slime over here, asshole.

Abbreviations are often used out of context in proposals due to different education, work experience, and cultures of writers and readers. Acronyms can be misunderstood:

ATM =  Asynchronous Transfer Mode
Automatic Teller Machine
Air Traffic Management

Define potentially unfamiliar abbreviations.

– Larry Newman, author of the Shipley Proposal Guide and obvious Internet troll

Finally, they can eat those jerks in cages.

Moms, snakes, red wine, and laser sharks — it’s not just the recipe for a guaranteed second date in Florida, but also what I wrote about on SeriouslyGuys this week. Here’s the recap:

• There’s a little bit of The Guys in every mom. That’s why we feel comfortable parenting your kids from the Internet. (Apr. 30, 2012)

• The nice thing about snake suicide bombers is that they don’t leave a pile of limbs to clean up afterwards. Amiright, U.S. Army? (May 1, 2012)

• Science says you have to drink 100 glasses of wine a day to keep up with healthy mice. At least, that’s how I read things when I’m drunk. (May 2, 2012)

• Take it from Snee: Huntsville, I will soon no longer be in you. (May 2, 2012)

• Laser sharks. We’re gonna need a lead-bottomed boat! (May 3, 2012)

We both tried to warn everyone about this place.

Well, this is officially my last Take it from Snee as a Huntsville, Alabama resident. On Friday, I return to Northern Virginia, from whence I came, with a new job.

I’ve ragged a lot on Huntsville my years here, from her lack of a decent rock radio station to her jarringly loud tornado sirens (the latter proving to be entirely necessary). And let’s not forget her attempts to make me fat or give me STDs with her drive-through sex toy shops. But, that doesn’t mean I haven’t loved her and the people here. Believe you me, once I’m back in NoVa, you’ll hear plenty about that region that just thinks it’s DC.

No, I do not come to bury Huntsville, but to give it to her one last time. Lovingly.

Freed Hops

While rock music remains safely 10 – 15 years removed from Huntsville, they did reform in one very important way: beer. And, brother, when I say this place has reformed beer, I mean they fought for it, continue to fight for it and make the hell out of it now that they’ve had their way.

When I first arrived, there was only one brewery in town, Olde Towne. If that name sounds as appetizing as drinking from a puddle next to a narrow brick bar, then congratulations, Alexandria residents who I will soon be haranguing in person. Also, yes, it wasn’t very good beer, but that was because of beer laws on the books in Alabama since the repeal of Prohibition.

With new laws allowing higher alcohol by volume, some of my favorite breweries opened, including Straight to Ale, Yellowhammer and Blue Pants. Straight to Ale even took over Olde Towne’s facility and opened up a bar on site, complete with pinball and drunken tours.

I’ll miss stumbling through the annual Brewfest, waiting for StA to tap their limited edition Unobtanium. I never got to try Illudium (as in the Q-36 explosive space modulator), but that’s what Christmas is for, people I’m leaving behind.

The Saturn V

Every town has its landmark. Seattle, its Space Needle. San Antonio, its Tower of the Americas that looks an awful lot like the Space Needle. Toronto, that built a metric Space Needle and doesn’t have San Antonio’s decency to at least build an Alamo next to it. Huntsville, on the other hand, has a life-size replica of the Saturn V rocket from NASA’s Apollo missions, proving just who has the spaciest of needles. (Eat it, Seattle.)

The rocket stands At Huntsville’s Space and Rocket Center, which features the real rocket in an adjacent museum, hanging whale-style from the ceiling. Before the real rocket was housed, it laid on its side in the museum’s yard, where it was allegedly used by Space Camp councilors to go “all the way.” Fortunately, it was hosed off before it could get the Davidson Center, where it’s housed today, pregnant in the world’s largest metaphor for sex in a mostly Baptist state.

It’s gonna be tough navigating in an area where the largest visible landmark on the skyline is a Mormon temple. Saturn V, I’ll miss you.

My Friends and Family

Fortunately, those parts are covered by the cupcake platter.

I’ve made a lot of great friends down here. If you’ve ever listened to an episode of the Blast Shields Down Film Review Society, then you’ve already met three of my best: Hubie, Dajuan and Duncan.

Of course, you can’t be one of The Guys without a Booze Team, and the Huntsville Chapter is one of the liveliest crowds I’ve ever yelled at after too much Rumplemintz. Micah, J.D., DeAnna, Dani, Kieran, Ken, Jason, Alexis, Shawn, Mark, Kerry and anyone I left out: thanks for not calling the cops.

And, finally, there’s the reason Huntsville ever appeared on my GPS: my parents. It’s not the first time I’m leaving them (not that my wife and I have been living with them), but it’s the first time where I feel like an actual adult doing so and not just an overaged college freshman.

You’ve all heard me make fun of Huntsville. Now it’s all of your’s turn to visit where I come from and take it down a couple of notches.

Death Threats

As I mentioned in the opener, Alabama has tried to put me in the ground for about six years now (counting summers when I visited). Well, this is it, Huntsville. You have until Friday to finish what you started.

Oh, wait, there it is: you’ve broken my heart. I’ll miss you, worthy adversary.

This post also appeared on SeriouslyGuys and HumorOutcasts.

Duncan read the books, Hubie and I have not, and Dajuan couldn’t make it and was sorely missed. We discuss:

• Why The Hunger Games is destined to be the next major franchise (in spite of quality).
• Whether Jennifer Lawrence works as a sixteen-year-old or not.
• Shaky-cams.
• The surprising lack of hunger or suspense — but mostly hunger — in The Hunger Games.

But, that’s not all! Hubie briefly lights on Being Human (UK), and we give a brief yea or nay to John Carter.

WARNING: Blast Shields Down film reviews are full of terrifying language and opinions that have not been obscured with cheap camera effects. Listener discretion is advised.

So, what do you think? Should we continue this for the summer movie season? And what about a name? BSD Escape Pod Edition? BSD Captain’s Yacht? BSD [something else because you're more creative than us]? Let us know in the comments below.

OK, so this is a few days late. As I warned before, updates are going to be much slower until I’m settled into my new environs, much like a newly-arrived panda stud at the National Zoo. Better late than never, unlike Ling-Ling’s period.

Wounded ladies, dead zookeepers, and cracking potheads — I might have worked out some frustrations this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

• You know gun safety classes in Virginia are top notch because they include real-life Goofus and Gallant lessons. (Apr. 24, 2012)

• The easiest way to tell if an elephant is Africanized is by their ears and scattered zookeeper remains. (Apr. 25, 2012)

• It looks like the Dutch tourist industry just went to pot. (Apr. 27, 2012)

So, updates might be a little slow over the next couple of weeks. But, only temporarily. Sorry in advance, but I will make up for it with drinks and passionless, yet convincing sex.

In the meantime, I want to thank everyone for their help with my job search. As the kids who beat me up in front of my mailbox say, “big ups” to:

• Anthony Stefanacci for continuing to be the Best Man, and his mom, Pam, for her referral.

• HumorOutcasts for their very timely resume booster, making me look more productive for the past six months.

• Blast Shields Down, and especially Groonk, for all of their support and friendship. Sorry about complicating our recording process by leaving Huntsville.

And that’s when it dawns on me that, until American Reunion, there hadn’t been a theatrical release of an American Pie movie since 2003′s American Wedding. It had been so long that Jim and Michelle’s wedding is all but forgotten, the second movie barely an afterthought. It’s fitting, then, that American Reunion is afflicted with the same fuzzy memory and only focuses on the first movie, which was obsessively watched over and over again my senior year of high school. (I’m also Class of ’99.)

American Reunion feels like a lot like my own high school reunion. There are some friends I’ve kept up with over the years (Alyson Hannigan, John Cho), others I’ve wondered what happened to (Seann William Scott, Eddie Kaye Thomas), and finally the ones I kind of hope don’t show up (Chris Klein, Thomas Ian Nicholas).

American Reunion revisits all the old sets from American Pie, but also suffers a little from following the paces of the original. Both start with Jim’s botched masturbation, build to everyone getting laid while Jim has a sex-related kitchen mishap, and finally, a toast at the local hot dog stand which has managed not to become a Starbucks.

To set up the movie, Jim and Michelle (Jason Biggs and Alyson Hannigan) are experiencing some marital difficulties since having a kid. Conveniently, everyone gets an invite to their 13 year reunion “because we forgot to do the 10th.” Oz, Kevin, and Finch (Chris Klein, Thomas Ian Nicholas, and Eddie Kaye Thomas) meet them back in East Great Falls a few days early to catch up.

Meanwhile, Stifler (Seann William Scott) has been left off the invite list because that worked in American Wedding because he’s a jerk still since American Wedding only kind of happened?

What I'm saying is I think I remember there being a reason they stopped at three "real" American Pie films.

Wedding must be the stillborn child nobody likes to talk about but can’t avoid mentioning whenever old photos show up. They openly acknowledge that Jim and Michelle are married, and that Oz missed that wedding because Chris Klein thought he was too good for that shit. But, the Stifmeister is right back where he was after the second film, having barely started a different career and never overcoming his sexual criminality to finally grow up. So, Stifler’s arc is a either a very sad regression or the product of incredibly lazy writing.

There’s some more of that Oz and Choir Chick*, Kevin and Vicky will-they/won’t-they crap, but this time the filmmakers keep it firmly planted in the background because nobody likes them.

*Fun Fact: Did you know that Choir Chick’s real name is Heather, but Jim’s Dad is actually named Jim’s Dad? Weird.

And Finch is still making up stuff about his past to seem more interesting, only this time he doesn’t bang anyone’s mom. I don’t recall him lying in the other sequels, which leads me to seriously wonder if those are non-canon. Or is it some kind of commentary that, given enough time apart, everyone resorts to their high school bullshit once they’re back in a decorated gym together?

What the film does well is recreating shots from the original, but using them to show changes and reversals of time and fortunes. The best of these shots are between Jim and his dad, who has been widowed for three years; and while they sit looking over the same issue of Shaved from 1999, Jim is the one offering advice to his dad to get back out there.

This is Jim’s movie, as was the original, but — again, with the weird relationship with the sequels — Steven Stifler has become the series’ co-star in the way Fonzie and Urkel became the main characters of their TV shows. But, as mentioned before, we’ve already seen Stifler grow up once, so while golden, his antics feel like they’re strapping on water-skis. The only ones who have a problem with this are the Gang of Four, and they’re forced to recognize that there really is no franchise without “their dick.” However, Reunion tries a little too hard to shoehorn Stifler more into Jim’s history by having him Cartman-up Jim’s bar mitzvah in old home movies, when they were barely peers in the original.

But, really, American Reunion is more about the actors and filmmakers than the characters. Between Shannon Elizabeth, Alyson Hannigan, and now Ali Cobrin, Jason Biggs has clearly enjoyed being the writers’ analog in a field of tits. Chris Klein’s absence in parts of the series due to his own career becomes his character’s reason for missing important events. Eugene Levy isn’t just Jim’s Dad, he’s pretty much everyone’s dad. And John Cho deals with being only known as one of two of the MILF guys by trying to organize the entire reunion by himself.

Although Reunion feels like a series closer, the ending toast hints that they could continue to get together again every year. It was fun to revisit the old formula, but let’s leave the cameras at home next time, fellas. And most of the time (when Stifler or Jim are on screen) it’s hilarious and — in the American Pie way — heartwarming. Go out on the high note that Wedding really wasn’t, and let us grow up.

Kids say the fuckingest things.

Zombie prep, handcuffed kids, sleeping babies, and sex robots … It’s not the next The Next Phillip K. Dick novelist, but this week’s SeriouslyGuys posts. Here’s the recap:

• Fun Fact: Two-thirds* of everyone you know will become zombies should the worst happen. Now look to your left and right at the shooting range or at the starting line of your next zombie run. (Apr. 16, 2012)

• Handcuffs on kids may seem cruel and unusual, but name a better way to keep them from picking their noses. (Apr. 17, 2012)

• Never wake a sleeping baby. Unless, you know, you’re insane. (Apr. 18, 2012)

• Take it from Snee: Could you survive the gauntlet that is our federal court system? Find out in the dramatic conclusion to my three-part series, Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners and Children. This week: it’s the judicial branch! (Apr. 18, 2012)

• Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. The money’s on the dresser. (Apr. 20, 2012)

*This and many more statistics brought to you by My Ass. My Ass: because what goes into my head must come out somewhere.

The silver change buys Coke cans for Justice Clarence Thomas to rest his pubes on.

Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.

The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Maybe you’ve seen it in your tour through Ron Paul’s breast pocket?

To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.

Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. Previous installments covered the executive and legislative branches. This week, we wrap the whole shebang up with the judicial branch.

Read the rest at either:

Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 3) | SeriouslyGuys

Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners, Children (Part 3) | HumorOutcasts

For episode 13, Duncan hosts an Dajuan-less show as the Blast Shields Down Film Review Society gets down and dirty with Christopher Nolan’s Memento. Guy Pearce plays Leonard Shelby, a man who is searching for the man who raped and killed his wife. Just to gum up the film noir works, Leonard can’t produce long-term memories since her death, suffering from a form of amnesia that doctors refer to as Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates Disease. The film follows Leonard’s memory spurts from blackout to blackout backwards. Joe Pantoliano (The Matrix) and Carrie-Anne Moss (The Matrix) co-star, helping Leonard’s search … or are they?

It’s a mind-flayer of a movie, and it leads the Blasters to discuss amnesia as a plot device, revenge, how Chris Nolan is fixing American cinema, and whether Lenny has problems beyond anterograde amnesia. And, if we can teach you anything, why you should never attack a guy in the shower. Those reasons have nothing to do with the warning for every BSD episode:

WARNING: Blast Shields Down film reviews are full of naughty language, infuriating opinions, spoilers, and … Wait, did I mention there are spoilers? Listener discretion is advised.

And if you’re listening (which imbues membership in the Film Society), join the discussion by contacting us:

• bsdpodcast@gmail.com
• @bsdpodcast on Twitter
• Through our intern, Greg MacGuffin, on Google+
• Or in the comments on this page!

We want to hear from you, and if we like what you have to say, then your thoughts could show up in a future episode!

Fun Fact: Hubie broke a chair right before this show … and Dajuan missed it! (Pictures of the furniture carnage — or furnage — may or may not exist.)