Judge John Hurley, the Mikado

The Mikado in the eponymous Gilbert and Sullivan play sings that, as the most humane Mikado in all of Japanese history, he believes that every punishment should fit its crime. And certainly a no more humane judge did in Florida exist than Judge John Hurley, who recently sentenced a husband in a domestic abuse case to time with his wife.

While a lesser judge might have sentenced Joseph Bray to jail time for, as his wife Sonja described, shoving her to the sofa and grabbing her by the neck, Judge Hurley recognized this the way any Floridian would: a happy birthday chokeslam. (The two were fighting because Joseph failed to wish his wife a happy birthday.)

So, that’s why the judge ruled that they must:

  1. Consume flowers. (That’s why women always need more, right?)
  2. Go to Red Lobster.
  3. Go bowling, a bloodsport that — in my experience — has settled more marriages than any other besides Monopoly.

After all, this whole incident boiled down to what Judge Hurley described as a “very, very minor” example of domestic violence. It’s only assault if it happens in a bar, workplace or anywhere else that isn’t your living room.

Not only do I offer Judge John Hurley my congratulations on a verdict well reached, but I wish him a long and illustrious career over other cases. Cases like ….

Cases like? Read the rest at either:

Simpsons Did It: DC greenlights ‘Watchmen Babies’

DC knows how to love a classic. Lovingly.

In the 2007 episode of The Simpsons, “Husbands and Knives,” guest star Alan Moore (and writer of Watchmen and V for Vendetta) ripped into Milhouse for asking him to sign his DVD of Watchmen Babies in V for Vacation.

Milhouse took his life into his own hands, for Alan Moore is a ceremonial magician who communicates with gods, primarily the Roman snake god, Glycon.

Fortunately, DC has their own magical snake anti-venom: piles of money. And they now plan to use this immunity to publish seven new Watchmen prequels titled Before Watchmen, only this time without Alan Moore or Dave Gibbons.

All I can say is, after 25 years, it’s about damn time ….

Read why at either:

The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy: As Seen in the Paleolithic

Foolish as it may seem, I don’t believe everything I see in commercials. For instance, when InventHelp says that the guy who invented the Splash Wash, a car wash for kids, by watching children play, I find it hard to believe he wasn’t masturbating at the time. Or that the woman’s whose hair is blown permanently back by the Trojan Vibrating Twister isn’t held there with semen.

But, there’s one idea that completely stretches my brain’s capacity for hogwash (which is another use for the Splash Wash, by the way), and it’s that modern man has just now solved the problems inherent in wearing a blanket.

The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy aren’t bad ideas, though. To the contrary, I long for the day when I can wear the poncho I was given to keep warm in a Tijuana jail cell to work. No, what’s nearly impossible to fathom is that these products are awarded patents for what humanity already accomplished in the Paleolithic Era.

Granted, it’s not uncommon for society to forget previous innovations, like trepanning, a medical practice dating back to the beginning of human history that pops up every time a doctor wants a license for drilling holes in people’s heads.

The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy follow the same path, starting way back in the Ice Age …

Read the rest at:

That’s A Wrap

Although they are OK with plumbers plumbing plumb barefoot.

The Internet is up in arms over the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and PIPA. PIPA is actually an acronym and abbreviation within an abbreviation: the PROTECT IP Act — or the Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act — proving just how much thought the U.S. Senate puts into naming bills after minor British nobility over drafting applicable commonsense laws.

But, in all the hoopla, did we miss the passage of an even more dangerous law to the Internet?

The Los Angeles City Council voted 9-to-1 in favor of an ordinance that would strip film permits from porn producers whose actors don’t wear condoms. Los Angeles already requires adult actors to wear condoms, but this new ordinance provides an enforcement measure (unless they use they safe word).

I’ll admit it’s tempting to require adult actors to wear condoms at all times. As an Internet writer, I’m always shopping for new pants, and frankly, I’m tired of smell-checking inside the crotch before putting them on. If I smell something off — like whatever Astroglide smells like (not that I’d know) — I quietly put them back on the rack. But, if I smell Durex, well, that’s like New Pants Smell, and my only remaining complaint is how skinny jeans make me a sexual hazard in the workplace.

Life isn’t that simple, however, and neither are movies ….

Read the rest of my argument at:

Women are Mysterious

In recent news, the smartest man on wheels, Stephen Hawking revealed that he spends most of his time thinking about women. And I, for one, feel much better for knowing that, because I also find women to be “a complete mystery,” as Professor Hawking put it. However, I am concerned because, again, if Stephen Hawking — the man who has informed our current understanding of black holes — has yet to unravel the mystery that is women, then what chance do we have of ever solving these riddles. Riddles like:

The Vagina

Women have vaginas, which are holes. This much makes sense. But, how do they keep their insides from falling out when there isn’t a penis in them? Perhaps this explains the penis-shaped plug I found under my wife’s side of the bed. And, maybe this is why women always punch me when I ask them to do jumping jacks. They claim it’s because of their boobs, but I’ve seen a few boobs and none of them have ever broken off. I should know; I’m a voracious kneader.

Libido

Women often complain that their male partners want sex too much, yet women are also the largest demographic of producers and connoisseurs of erotic literature, sex toys and bed and breakfastses. The best theory I have is that women may not have as large of a sex drive as men, just a more inventive one in which penises have multiple settings and are dishwasher-safe.

Read the other four mysteries of women at:

  • SeriouslyGuys — where I had to censor one use of the word “shit.”
  • HumorOutcasts — where the shit flows (that one time I used it).

Cleaning Out the Language Gutters for 2012

Every year, Michigan’s Lake Superior University and I like to take stock of the English language. The school lets students nominate words that they feel have become misused, overused and cliché, and the winners are compiled into a list for your banishment consideration. This is a valuable lesson in democracy in which students learn that they can make nominations and cast votes, while a college has the liberty of overriding their decision.

I refer to this act as “cleaning out the language gutters,” which should be performed yearly lest they fill with water and gunk, and then freeze and burst. After all, if I wanted to persist with a language full of ridiculous words, I would have continued taking Spanish in college.

“Occupy” made the list, and consequently dominated headlines about it. It was popularized, of course, by the Occupy Wall Street movement as a play on words for graduates that couldn’t find steady work in this economy, so they “occupied” a park. Unfortunately, everything is “occupied” now according to nominators, including Black Friday Promotions and Thanksgiving. Unless the lock on the porta-john says “occupied,” it might be time to give this word a rest. Might I suggest economic protesters adopt “squat” in the meantime?

Left unchecked, amazement fatigue could ruin all that we hold "amazing."

“Amazing,” however, was number one. And, as a veteran to the word-scorning game, I’m not surprised that at least entry is an adjective for “very good.” Previous winners of my disdain include “awesome” and “decadent,” which had been words du jour for advertisers and public relations firms. As with “awesome,” not everything can be “amazing.” Either every item sold in television truly inspires amazement, or you have the wonder (and mind) of a child.

“Baby bump.” Jesus. Look, I get that the miracle of life is amazing — even if it’s your twentieth time (The Duggars: 19 and one, baby!) — but let’s not encourage tabloid writers to make any further alliterations whenever they catch Britney Spears sporting a beer belly. Besides, I always thought a “baby bump” was mob slang for an abortion.

Read the other words (including the ones those eggheads missed) at:

Pros and Cons of Surviving 2011

Among the entries, we say farewell to Kim Jong-il, whose ladies-sunglasses-wearing, Hair-Club-for-Men-presidential like we will never see again.

Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.

So, here’s an entirely subjective list of what went right and wrong in 2011 before greeting Bolon Yokte as an old friend at midnight, Jan. 1.

Read this year’s entries at:

An Executioner’s Christmas Wishlist

One of the perks to the holiday season is spending time with your family watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story, with an occasional switch-over to It’s a Wonderful Life. This is a time-honored tradition that predates even television, going back all the way back to public executions. But, even that may not last much longer: the European Union has tightened restrictions on selling lethal injection drugs to nations that still perform capital punishment (leading to an obvious question: what does a nation that doesn’t execute prisoners use lethal injection juices for?)

I could spend time answering that parenthetical, but who cares what a bunch of Europeans do with sodium thiopental or pentobarbital? The United States is in a real pickle here. If we don’t figure out a way to humanely execute our citizens, then we might have to actually consider the ramifications of a government that kills its citizens.

Fortunately, I’ve done some research and believe I may have found some alternatives so that we can get back to killing people without hangings or beheadings.

Find out how at:

The U.S. Citizenship Test (according to Facebook)

Good afternoon, presumably American citizen! As you’re probably aware, your right to citizenship is guaranteed by the 14th amendment to the U.S. Constitution (not to be confused with the U.S.S. Constitution, which — like diversity — is an old, old wooden ship used during the Civil War era). And, if you’re not a citizen, then you can apply and then take a test to prove you’re the stuff American dreams are made of. But, is that too simple?

In many trades, you are required to periodically re-certify to maintain your current standing or move up to another level of union or guild membership. Those who can’t make the grade in, say, barrel-making could find themselves out of a job if they can’t stay up to date in the latest innovations in the field of coopering.

We could have had something similar for U.S. citizenship. Unfortunately, some Southern racists ruined things by only applying political competency tests to African Americans, so the Voting Rights Act of 1965 pretty much nipped that idea in the bud.

But, what if there were a way for people to self-administer this test to prove over and over again to their friends and family that they are America+ citizens? It seems silly to think anyone would submit that kind of personal information on a daily basis to coworkers and near strangers …. and then Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook.

I’ve created a new U.S. Citizenship Recertification test based on my research, which consisted of diddling around on Facebook all day.

Continues: