Archive for the ‘Take it from Snee’ Category:

Judge John Hurley, the Mikado

Take it from Snee
on February 9th, 2012 - No Comments

The Mikado in the eponymous Gilbert and Sullivan play sings that, as the most humane Mikado in all of Japanese history, he believes that every punishment should fit its crime. And certainly a no more humane judge did in Florida exist than Judge John Hurley, who recently sentenced a husband in a domestic abuse case to time with his wife.

While a lesser judge might have sentenced Joseph Bray to jail time for, as his wife Sonja described, shoving her to the sofa and grabbing her by the neck, Judge Hurley recognized this the way any Floridian would: a happy birthday chokeslam. (The two were fighting because Joseph failed to wish his wife a happy birthday.)

So, that’s why the judge ruled that they must:

  1. Consume flowers. (That’s why women always need more, right?)
  2. Go to Red Lobster.
  3. Go bowling, a bloodsport that — in my experience — has settled more marriages than any other besides Monopoly.

After all, this whole incident boiled down to what Judge Hurley described as a “very, very minor” example of domestic violence. It’s only assault if it happens in a bar, workplace or anywhere else that isn’t your living room.

Not only do I offer Judge John Hurley my congratulations on a verdict well reached, but I wish him a long and illustrious career over other cases. Cases like ….

Cases like? Read the rest at either:

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Simpsons Did It: DC greenlights ‘Watchmen Babies’

Take it from Snee
on February 2nd, 2012 - No Comments

DC knows how to love a classic. Lovingly.

In the 2007 episode of The Simpsons, “Husbands and Knives,” guest star Alan Moore (and writer of Watchmen and V for Vendetta) ripped into Milhouse for asking him to sign his DVD of Watchmen Babies in V for Vacation.

Milhouse took his life into his own hands, for Alan Moore is a ceremonial magician who communicates with gods, primarily the Roman snake god, Glycon.

Fortunately, DC has their own magical snake anti-venom: piles of money. And they now plan to use this immunity to publish seven new Watchmen prequels titled Before Watchmen, only this time without Alan Moore or Dave Gibbons.

All I can say is, after 25 years, it’s about damn time ….

Read why at either:

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The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy: As Seen in the Paleolithic

Take it from Snee
on January 26th, 2012 - No Comments

Foolish as it may seem, I don’t believe everything I see in commercials. For instance, when InventHelp says that the guy who invented the Splash Wash, a car wash for kids, by watching children play, I find it hard to believe he wasn’t masturbating at the time. Or that the woman’s whose hair is blown permanently back by the Trojan Vibrating Twister isn’t held there with semen.

But, there’s one idea that completely stretches my brain’s capacity for hogwash (which is another use for the Splash Wash, by the way), and it’s that modern man has just now solved the problems inherent in wearing a blanket.

The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy aren’t bad ideas, though. To the contrary, I long for the day when I can wear the poncho I was given to keep warm in a Tijuana jail cell to work. No, what’s nearly impossible to fathom is that these products are awarded patents for what humanity already accomplished in the Paleolithic Era.

Granted, it’s not uncommon for society to forget previous innovations, like trepanning, a medical practice dating back to the beginning of human history that pops up every time a doctor wants a license for drilling holes in people’s heads.

The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy follow the same path, starting way back in the Ice Age …

Read the rest at:

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That’s A Wrap

Take it from Snee
on January 19th, 2012 - No Comments

Although they are OK with plumbers plumbing plumb barefoot.

The Internet is up in arms over the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and PIPA. PIPA is actually an acronym and abbreviation within an abbreviation: the PROTECT IP Act — or the Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act — proving just how much thought the U.S. Senate puts into naming bills after minor British nobility over drafting applicable commonsense laws.

But, in all the hoopla, did we miss the passage of an even more dangerous law to the Internet?

The Los Angeles City Council voted 9-to-1 in favor of an ordinance that would strip film permits from porn producers whose actors don’t wear condoms. Los Angeles already requires adult actors to wear condoms, but this new ordinance provides an enforcement measure (unless they use they safe word).

I’ll admit it’s tempting to require adult actors to wear condoms at all times. As an Internet writer, I’m always shopping for new pants, and frankly, I’m tired of smell-checking inside the crotch before putting them on. If I smell something off — like whatever Astroglide smells like (not that I’d know) — I quietly put them back on the rack. But, if I smell Durex, well, that’s like New Pants Smell, and my only remaining complaint is how skinny jeans make me a sexual hazard in the workplace.

Life isn’t that simple, however, and neither are movies ….

Read the rest of my argument at:

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Women are Mysterious

Take it from Snee
on January 12th, 2012 - No Comments

In recent news, the smartest man on wheels, Stephen Hawking revealed that he spends most of his time thinking about women. And I, for one, feel much better for knowing that, because I also find women to be “a complete mystery,” as Professor Hawking put it. However, I am concerned because, again, if Stephen Hawking — the man who has informed our current understanding of black holes — has yet to unravel the mystery that is women, then what chance do we have of ever solving these riddles. Riddles like:

The Vagina

Women have vaginas, which are holes. This much makes sense. But, how do they keep their insides from falling out when there isn’t a penis in them? Perhaps this explains the penis-shaped plug I found under my wife’s side of the bed. And, maybe this is why women always punch me when I ask them to do jumping jacks. They claim it’s because of their boobs, but I’ve seen a few boobs and none of them have ever broken off. I should know; I’m a voracious kneader.

Libido

Women often complain that their male partners want sex too much, yet women are also the largest demographic of producers and connoisseurs of erotic literature, sex toys and bed and breakfastses. The best theory I have is that women may not have as large of a sex drive as men, just a more inventive one in which penises have multiple settings and are dishwasher-safe.

Read the other four mysteries of women at:

  • SeriouslyGuys — where I had to censor one use of the word “shit.”
  • HumorOutcasts — where the shit flows (that one time I used it).
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© Rick Snee, 2011 - 2012
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