Rick Snee 2.0

The story of the Wilhelm Scream is the story of White America.

Rampaging girl scouts, spider webs, metro bears, movies, clear cola, and petty theft … If this week were made into a movie, it’d gross $300 million domestic and an additional $600 million worldwide. (People who don’t speak our language are enamored with our explosions and American flags.) Here’s the recap:

• One’s a loose cannon who plays by her own rules. The other’s a loose cannon who plays by her own rules, which sound suspiciously like the rules of our first loose cannon. Together, they’re fighting crime, one Samoa at a time. Coming to a door near you: Girl Scouts. (Mar. 5, 2012)

• Ever walked through a spider web? Wish that feeling could last forever? Here comes the science. (Mar. 6, 2012)

• Bears have discovered exfoliation technology, which means it’s only a matter of time before they uncover tweezing and hot wax. Point is: are you sure you’re hugging a human being right now? (Mar. 7, 2012)

• Take it from Snee: What do the Wilhelm scream, three-point landings, and exclamations of “It begins!” have in common? They’re all ruining otherwise OK movies. (Mar. 7, 2012)

• Thanks to the goodness of Coca-cola’s heart (and now PepsiCo, too), we will never have to relive the debacle of 1992 – 1993, otherwise known as the Crystal Pepsi Crisis. (Mar. 8, 2012)

• And speaking of crisis, another one was averted when police captured a man who stole the nameplate from a judge’s courtroom door before he could exercise any of his ill-begotten judging powers. (Mar. 9, 2012)