Ask Dr. Snee: Overcoming Your Shortcomings

“It was tiny, and it looked like this!”
“It was tiny, and it looked like this!”

I always wondered if women really cared about, you know, size, and it turns out that they totally do! I’m not exactly the biggest guy around, so what do I do now?
Paul, but Fierce

Whether it’s a big penis or big set of “projecting lateral tubercles,” the ladies are all about size, Paul. It’s what put the “selective” in “selective breeding,” like picking out the least warty cucumber that can also feed a family of four.

Why do I bring up evolution? Because, thanks to earlier generations of size queens, your four-inch potato masher is still one of the comparatively largest members in the animal kingdom. (I’m not sure why I specified animal kingdom. It’s not like there are plant species receiving offers for free underwear.)

Of course, in some plants’ cases, it’s only because they don’t have the requisite legs to wear Jockey’s.
Of course, in some plants’ cases, it’s only because they don’t have the requisite legs to wear Jockey’s.

Even in the study in question, the women appraised naked men’s bodies with flaccid penises and, on average, liked the way a three-inch soft penis (♪ warm penis, little balls of ♫ … but, I digress) looked. So, still not that big, and we’re not exactly talking about playing conditions here, where functionality actually matters.

But, let’s not forget that women were appraising men’s bodies overall. So, proportion counts here, too. Taller men had to have bigger penises for higher ratings because, when you put a hot dog in a sub roll, it just looks like less meat. And more fit men rated higher, period, with penis-size just sorting out who got picked first for skins-on-skins wrestling and who got picked second.

So, what do you do?

“Call me a baby dick, bro! I f**king dare you!”
“Call me a baby dick, bro! I f**king dare you!”

1. Work out. You can’t control your height or penis size … well, to clarify, you can’t control your height or penis size without weird Frankenstein scars. But, you can somewhat control what your body looks like. Plus, leaner guys’ peeners stick out more, which is why celebrated Renaissance artists called the penis the cheek bones of the pelvis.

2. Turn your junk into another man’s treasure. With the right ornamentation, you can make your smaller penis more attractive or even appear bigger. For instance, try incorporating it into a tattoo. You can try a little drop-shadowing to give the illusion of greater size and girth, or just make it prettier and more female-friendly by tattooing still shots from Girls or Ryan Reynolds’ abs on it.

3. Date smaller women. One of the more interesting factors was the women doing the appraising. Women with larger body mass indexes preferred larger penises, either because they are more likely to fill them up (which doesn’t make much sense — outer dimensions have as little bearing on vaginal depth and width as it does on penis size) or because they’re hungrier.

But, to a tiny woman, apparently a shrimp can look like a tiger prawn. That is to say: bigger, but c’mon, we’re still talking about adult human proportions here, with an emphasis on “adult.” (To state it outright: don’t date children.)

So, there you go, Paul. I wouldn’t worry too much about your penis size. After all, even the smallest dick still gets paid more than the average woman for the same work. By looking for small victories, we can overcome all of life’s shortcomings.


†Although I maintain that evolution is a lie, I’m willing to use any theory, no matter how satanic, to make my dick look bigger. And this ability makes me the biggest dick of them all. Go Back


Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. His only qualifications are high school and college biology (101 and 102), reading Men’s Health (2001-2003), and a systematic exposure to almost all health hazards (1981-present), but no medical training whatsoever. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit yer own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.


This post originally appeared on SeriouslyGuys and HumorOutcasts.

Seriously Times: Dec. 30, 2012 – Jan. 5, 2013

“Hey, baby. How’s about dinner at my place followed by bananas foster?”
“Hey, baby. How’s about dinner at my place followed by bananas foster?”

Sweet, underage loopholes and monkeys flinging woo — just two of many ways to ring in a new year (not to mention slight modifications to this format)! Also, they’re the topics this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • Pennsylvania Gov. Bill Corbett has discovered that, while the NCAA rules expressly forbid schools from paying their players, there’s nothing on the books about giving candy to children. (Jan. 3, 2013)
  • And human’s closest, most sex-crazed relations have perfected this method to luring in new friends. (Jan. 4, 2013)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Dec. 23 – 29, 2012

To make sure you get to do it again in the morning, refer to your “tweedle” as a “burying beetle” as often as you can during and immediately after copulation.
To make sure you get to do it again in the morning, refer to your “tweedle” as a “burying beetle” as often as you can during and immediately after copulation.

Animal-themed condoms and forbidden Russian babies — now that’s how you wrap a year up! Here’s the final recap for SeriouslyGuys in 2012:

  • The Center for Biological Diversity wants to curb human reproduction by comparing sex to bugs and dead tigers. And if that doesn’t work, they included a condom, too. (Dec. 27, 2012)
  • Now that the U.S. is sanctioning Russian human rights violators, President Vladimir Putin is protecting those human rights violators’ supply of redheaded stepchildren. (Dec. 28, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Dec. 16 – 22, 2012

“I’m a shameful reminder of your 1960s prenatal substance abuse!”
“I’m a shameful reminder of your 1960s prenatal substance abuse!”

Reality, Rudolph, microlives, guns, spider puppets, and Space Rangers — none of those will give you a power-up, but they are this past week’s topics on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • If our world is, indeed, a computer simulation, then some user totally just watched you pick your nose. (Yes, I saw it, too.) (Dec. 17, 2012)
  • Why Rudolph’s Nose is Red, or How the Writers of Mad Men Could Never Come Up with a Better Name for a Drunk Mom Than “Mitzi Donner.” (Dec. 18, 2012)
  • In the time it took you to read this, you gained two microlives, but then lost four for not sharing this post with your friends. (Dec. 19, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee … took a break this week so that we could bring you the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia’s response to yet another shooting tragedy. If this keeps up, RAM isn’t sure how we’ll keep up. (Dec. 19, 2012)
  • Spiders weren’t content with being the world’s second most hated thing behind Jeff Dunham. (Dec. 20, 2012)
  • NASA solved their budget woes by marketing for Disney. (Dec. 21, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Dec. 9 – 15, 2012

This monkey almost single-foothandedly destroyed consumer confidence in a recession and ate all the meatballs in the cafeteria.
This monkey almost single-foothandedly destroyed consumer confidence in a recession and ate all the meatballs in the cafeteria.

Jacketed monkeys, murder sex, tweeting pontiffs, Christmas wars, coffee breath, and lawyers — and you thought the 12 days after Christmas were exciting! Also, they’re the topics this past week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • A monkey illustrates the absurdity of shopping at IKEA, making us wonder what the pursuit of incomplete material goods in giant warehouses says about humani — oh look! He’s wearing an adorable coat! (Dec. 10, 2012)
  • You say “homosexual,” U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says, “homicide.” Homosexual, homicide … let’s follow the advice of a showtune — or “murder soundtrack” — and call the whole thing off. (Dec. 11, 2012)
  • RT ‏@Pontifex @catholicdude69 The Lord has heard ur confession and forgives u. Now retweet 3 Our Fathers and 10 Hail Marys. (Dec. 12, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: I could be the Christmas miracle that Fox News deserves, but not the one it needs right now. (Dec. 12, 2012)
  • Making pots of coffee all day gives people with oral cancer something to live for. (Dec. 13, 2012)
  • We are officially one popped collar away from the nuclear douchepocalypse in Clearwater, Florida. (Dec. 14, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Dec. 2 – 9, 2012

When it comes to the Mayan-predicted apocalypse, all options — including financial ones — are on the table.

Short order weddings, drinking genes, low sperm counts, Karl Rove, invasive plants, and Mayan calendars — they’re not just all the latest things that keep the U.S. Surgeon General up at night, but also the topics this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

  • Denny’s now offers heartburn before you eat your wedding reception dinner. (Dec. 3, 2012)
  • Some kids are just better at drinking than others. It’s genetic. (Dec. 4, 2012)
  • Hopelessly outnumbered, French sperm surrenders to egg. (Dec. 5, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Fox News sends Karl Rove and Dick Morris out to pasture. Both regret not dying their hair blonde for job security. (Dec. 5, 2012)
  • You’d think something called cheatgrass would fight fair, but we’re already losing a war to it. (Dec. 6, 2012)
  • NASA says that the world isn’t ending on Dec. 21, no matter how much Congress and the President try to  make it happen. (Dec. 7, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Nov. 25 – Dec. 1 , 2012

Snee’s Enemy Number Un, riding a meal for twenty North Koreans.

Nazi pigeons, born again child actors, sexy Korean dictators, Florida, and NYC homicides — there really is no logical connector for this week’s topics on SeriouslyGuys. Our world is strange and wonderful, indeed. Here’s the recap:

  • The British found an undelivered coded message strapped to a disembodied pigeon leg from World War II. The double-agent is suspected of having flown the coup to Argentina, nursing a flesh wound. (Nov. 26, 2012)
  • It turns out that when God closes a door, he opens a window for you to rant out of. (Nov. 27, 2012)
  • Unlike his father and grandfather, Kim Jong Un doesn’t rely on his own propaganda teams to invent new achievements. (Nov. 28, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Florida has yet to get democracy right after flubbing it in 2000, much less handle a Department of Health sex survey. Perhaps we should cut our losses at Georgia. (Nov. 28, 2012)
  • New Yorkers couldn’t manage to kill each other even by accident for 36 hours. (Nov. 29, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Nov. 18 – 24, 2012

Seriously? You can’t do that at home?

Litigating nudists and booze weight — they’re not just two reasons to be thankful it was a short week. They’re also the topics this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

Oh, and hey, while you’re there, check out our new site format. Especially our randomized, rotating banners. (It might take a few refreshes to see all three.)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Oct. 28 – Nov. 3, 2012

I’ll make sure they mention Me all the time so that everyone will know it’s My little joke.

Anti-authoritarian moose, postmarked pythons, crooked K-9s, and unintelligently-designed NASA computer specialists — we’re gonna need a bigger exterminator. Also, they’re the topics this week on SeriouslyGuys. Here’s the recap:

A Mountie tried to take two moose’s insolence sitting down and nearly lost his mount (squad car) in the process. (Oct. 30, 2012)

If you’re still waiting for your Snakes of the Month delivery in South Africa, then authorities — and some frightened postal workers — would like to have a word with you. (Oct. 31, 2012)

The U.S. Supreme Court will decide whether police dogs have been planting evidence on us this whole ti — Uh, that’s not mine. I’m holding it for man’s best friend. (Nov. 1, 2012)

Advocating intelligent design won’t get you fired from NASA, but it is generally evidence of other mental, professional failings. (Nov. 2, 2012)

Your Week in Seriously Times: Oct. 7 – 13, 2012

She got into one little fight, and the hotel staff got scared.

Bridal brawls, willies, Sarah Palin, and Halloween costumes — if your pants just got tighter, you’re not alone. These topics got our mongooses frothy over on SeriouslyGuys this week. Here’s the recap:

  • Look out! Here comes the bride, and she’s swinging! (Oct. 8, 2012)
  • It’s not the size that counts, it’s whether you would prefer to enjoy vaginal orgasms. (Oct. 9, 2012)
  • What’s the difference between a starving pit bull in one of those Sarah McLachlan ads and a hockey mom? A fitness book. (Oct. 10, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: I apply that week in Literary Criticism where we covered psychoanalytical theory into your Halloween costume. (Oct. 10, 2012)