Rick Snee 2.0

You're gonna have to wu those ladies, male pandas. (Don't worry, I regret typing that as much as you do reading it.)

Asteroids, cavity searches, naughty sheriffs, panda sex, and ghost pirates — why no, I’m not developing the greatest video game ever. These are just the topics of this week’s SeriouslyGuys posts. Here’s the recap:

• It’s bad enough that the entire Internet has to participate in April Fools’ Day, but now the cosmos has to chime in? (Apr. 2, 2012)

• The U.S. Supreme Court is passing out coupons for unlimited free strip searches to all citizens. Supplies are not limited, offer valid in all U.S. states and territories. See your local jail for details. (Apr. 3, 2012)

• And the first to cash one of those bad boys in? 2001′s national Sheriff of the Year, Patrick Sullivan, who will spend 38 days in the jail named after him for trading meth for sex. (Apr. 4, 2012)

• Take it from Snee: I postpone writer’s block for the rest of the month by launching a three-part series, Explaining the U.S. Branches of Government to Foreigners and Children. This week is part one: the executive branch! (Apr. 4, 2012)

• Female pandas spend 361 – 364 days a year washing their hair, which is why they’re going extinct. (Apr. 5, 2012)

• The U.S. Coast Guard sank a ghost ship off the coast of Alaska. Next up: demolishing that abandoned theme park on the edge of town. Your days of pussyfooting around are over, Mystery Machine. (Apr. 6, 2012)