Archive for the ‘Blast Shields Down Film Review Society’ Category:

BSD: ‘Orgazmo’

Blast Shields Down Film Review Society
on February 7th, 2012 - No Comments

My Rating: 4 out of 5 Naked Mariachi
Who I think sound an awful lot like Depeche Mode

There’s no escape for you, listener! It’s Orgazmo! Prepare to meet your doom!

It’s only episode 9 of Blast Shields Down, and I decided to inflict one of my favorite movies on the Blasters, Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s 1997 triumph, Orgazmo. Of course, not everyone agreed with my appraisal (*cough* Chris Duncan *cough*).

Joe Young (Trey Parker), a Mormon on his mission in Hollywood, tries to share his love of Christ with porn producer Maxxx Orbison (Michael Dean Jacobs). Orbison instead converts Joe into Joe Hung and makes him the star of his latest film, Orgazmo, about a superhero who and fights crime and makes love to women across time and space with his Orgazmorator ray and trusty sidekick, Choda Boy (Dian Bachar). When Joe discovers Orbinson is using the profits to fund his own organized crime syndicate, he and Ben (a.k.a. Choda Boy) fight back using an actual Orgazmorator that Ben invented and some sweet ass kung fu.

Also starring: actual adult actors Ron Jeremy, Chasey Lain, Juli Ashton, Anna Kazuki, Ivu, Shayla LaVeaux, Jill Kelly, Miyu Natsuki, Mao Asami, Max Hardcore, Christi Lake, Jeanna Fine, Davia Ardell, Jacklyn Lick, Melissa Hill, Serenity, Melissa Monet, Warren Northwood, Barocca, and Nikita.

C’mon, boys! Let’s get real nasty! Spank your ass and get in there!

WARNING: Blast Shields Down film reviews are throbbing with naughty language, infuriating opinions and — in this episode — so many spoilers that we decided to ruin the endings to some other movies in case you didn’t believe us. (You saw Zombieland, right?)

Listen: http://traffic.libsyn.com/blastshieldsdown/BSD_Ep_09_Orgazmo_FINAL_MP3_128kbps.mp3

Love: http://blastshieldsdown.com/

Subscribe: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/blast-shields-down-film-review/id458980736

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BSD: ‘Ghost in the Shell’

Blast Shields Down Film Review Society
on January 23rd, 2012 - No Comments

My Rating: 4 exploded heads out of 4
I was a big fan of the Zapruder.

Dajuan, who has no Web presence as far as his wife knows, hosts our discussion of Ghost in the Shell, the other Japanese animated film* you’ve seen besides Akira. Major Kusanagi, a member of Section 9 with a mostly robotic body, pursues The Puppet Master, a criminal who no one has seen that can hack human beings. Meanwhile, we use our mostly human bodies to decide the difference between souls and ghosts (as they figure in this movie, not in your grandma’s attic). We also bounced around some suggestions for controlling New Japan’s basset hound infestation.

One fun game to play is to count every time the term “yin and yang” are mentioned, which reminds me …

WARNING: Blast Shields Down film reviews are chock full with suspense-ruining spoilers, naughty language, infuriating opinions and — in this episode — lots of audible cuts because we originally talked about this movie for over 2 hours. Special thanks to Duncan for whittling it all down to an hour.

*Does anybody call it “Japanimation” anymore? Is that racist now?

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BSD: ‘The Baxter’

Blast Shields Down Film Review Society
on January 3rd, 2012 - No Comments

My Rating for The Baxter: 2.5 3 parents cheering for the other guy out of 4
(Revised after Dajuan introduced the possibility that Cecille Mills wasn’t real)

And that man's name? Hubert Motley.

Hubie leads us through Michael Showalter’s The Baxter, which is basically The State in rom-com form, and his assuredly healthy fascination with Michelle Williams. Dajuan also comes clean about his wish for Jason Segel’s career to end disastrously and soon, but with no hard feelings for the man personally. And, my first penis joke comes right out of the gate at 1 minute, 31 seconds. That’s right: my first words of the episode. It’s a new record for Podcasts That Aren’t About Pornography and fitting since I had just turned 30, proving just how much I had grown up.

Hubie (1:25): And fresh from Carousel, identify and rise to meet the newly renewed Rick Snee …

Me (1:31): And then I slipped my big fat cock i–

Hubie (1:35): Okay.

In my defense? I was quoting the movie. That we were discussing, I’ll add.

This is what happens when we record without Chris Duncan, who set up the studio, and then napped off the flu on the couch.

WARNING: Blast Shields Down film reviews are plum full of suspense-ruining spoilers, naughty language, and infuriating opinions. Listener discretion is advised, especially if you’re Michelle Williams.

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BSD: ‘The Fall’

Blast Shields Down Film Review Society
on December 11th, 2011 - No Comments

My rating for The Fall: 3 morphine pills out of 3 morphine pills
Three is all you need.

Duncan hosts Episode 6, in which the Blasters tackle The Fall from director Tarsem Singh. If you just asked, “Tarsem who?” you may know him from Immortals and The Cell.

Lee Pace (the Piemaker from Pushing Daises) plays a stuntman who broke his spine while making a movie back in the silent movie era. While recovering in a Los Angeles hospital, he meets Alexandra, a little girl who broke her arm while picking oranges. He begins telling her a story about a masked bandit and his band of fellow outlaws as they fight the evil governor who stole their lives. The charm of the movie, though, is that while he is telling the story, we actually see it through Alexandra’s eyes, including her misconceptions.

If you haven’t seen this movie, yet, I recommend doing so before listening because (a) it’s really good, and (b) …

WARNING: Blast Shields Down film reviews are practically silly with suspense-ruining spoilers, naughty language, and infuriating opinions. Listener discretion is advised, though more fun if not used.

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BSD: ‘The Man From Earth’

Blast Shields Down Film Review Society
on December 4th, 2011 - No Comments

My rating for The Man from Earth: 3.5 unused nails out of 4
A sloppy ending costs it the final half nail.

Episode 5 of the Blast Shields Down podcast is up, and this is the first episode we’ve put out that I hosted.

We reviewed Jerome Bixby’s The Man from Earth, and let me just get this out of the way: as movies go, this one’s a bottle episode. It takes place almost entirely in a living room where a bunch of college professors heavily discuss science, religion, and whether a guy could live for 4,000 years. It’s fitting, though, because Bixby based the screenplay on an episode he wrote for Star Trek, “Requiem for Methuselah.”

WARNING: Blast Shields Down film reviews are practically silly with suspense-ruining spoilers, naughty language, and infuriating opinions. This particular episode is also stricken with a scorching case of the blasphemies. Use the discretion your mom should’ve given you.

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