Keep Calm and Drink

"According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night."
“According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night.”

Something is amiss in the United Kingdom. University College London researchers tried to reconcile alcohol sales with the amounts people claimed to drink in surveys, but the numbers just don’t match up. Nearly half of all booze sold in the U.K. is unaccounted for.

So, where did it go? A lesser writer might just chalk this up to people under-reporting what they drink, what business is it of yours, jack? And it makes some sense — anyone who’s ever been asked by a professor how much they’ve had to drink is more likely to low-ball that figure.

But, that still wouldn’t add up to twice as much booze sold as drunk. What the hell is going on in Merry Olde England? Let’s just say I have a few ideas …

“It belongs in a museum”

OK, so maybe — just maybe — collectors are storing it up. Most drinkers have a bottle of wine or fancy sippin’ whiskey stuffed away for a special occasion. (Movies have taught us that special occasions are when your police partner dies or if you’re trying to score with an eight or higher.)

But, c’mon. One stashed bottle per drinker is easily outweighed by the handle your average Churchill fan drinks a day.

Although it's entirely possible that Geddy Lee stole it all and keeps it in a mythical land called Canada.
Although it’s entirely possible that Geddy Lee stole it all and keeps it in a mythical land called Canada.

“How much did I … What day is it?

Every now and then, it’s easy to lose track of what and how much of anything you did, especially after your third shot between carbombs. So, if you’re counting up to the point where everything becomes hazy and accompanied by sepulchral mariachi music, then yeah, you had five last night. For all you know, you went straight home afterwards and didn’t kill a hooker.

Or on second thought, maybe you did buy those twenty lemondrops on your bar tab for yourself and not for the rest of the bar.

The point is that we’ll never know because everything from last night, including documentation was buried in a peat bog.

Three can keep a secret if the bartender is dead.
Three can keep a secret if the bartender is dead.

Also, if enough people were buying twice as much booze like the scenario above, then London would be completely prostitute-free. So much for that theory.

Boozacapra

"Boozie Monster love whiskeys! UG GLUG GLUG!"
“Boozie Monster love whiskeys! UG GLUG GLUG!”

So, we’ve ruled out people lying about their drinking out of shame. They’re not filling bomb shelters with it for bartering after the Pound collapses. They’re certainly not drunkenly Jekyll-and-Hyding their way into the Guinness Book of World Records.

Then who — or what — is drinking half of all the booze in Great Britain?

I’m not saying it’s definitely supernatural, but has anybody seen Nessie walk a straight line lately?

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