Third Amendment’s the Charm

If you’ve interacted with an American over the past two weeks, you may have noticed that things are a little tense. Some people who want more gun control. Others want all the guns they can stick down their pants. And still others believe the government shot children to further the cause of the Illuminati (because shadowy groups that control everything need excuses to grab power).

The point is that, when it comes to the Bill of Rights, the Second Amendment is on fire right now. Just for clarification, I mean figuratively “on fire,” because the First Amendment doesn’t guarantee my right to say anything is literally on fire.

And, that’s well and good for the Second Amendment. But you know who doesn’t get enough love? Proud supporters — like myself — of the Third Amendment.

Yes, the Third Amendment. No, not that one. No, not that one either. C’mon, people. It’s only the third most important right to the Founders, right behind free speech and bearing arms and before piddling rights like unlawful searches and trial by jury.

I’m talking about quartering soldiers, and why — no matter what liberals may believe — it’s wrong. But you don’t have to take my word for it. Take it away, James Madison and a bald eagle he’s moved to tears:

Moving words, indeed. But do you know what they mean, my dumber, lefter friends?

They say it plain and simple: no matter how outdated it may seem, no matter how much our quartering technology has changed and even though horse ownership is way down from when Mr. Madison wrote the Constitution, you cannot quarter a soldier in your home. In peace time or in war.

I know that’s gotta irk the armchair quarter-backing libs out there, but the founders have spoken: not only should you support the troops, but they are constitutionally protected from your desire to cut or tear them into four pieces.

Sure, when the framers wrote it, they were worried about the British, who famously quartered rebels as seen in the movie Braveheart (which, in its own way, may be glamorizing quartering for young, angry men). But, there’s a reason they put it in at number three of “most important rights,” even though an invading army wouldn’t care about our laws: they’re protecting our soldiers from ourselves should we ever get the urge to do it.

The entire Constitution and the first 10 Amendments (rhymes with “10 Commandments”) were handed down to our Founders by God himself. (Well … maybe Jesus helped a little. It would explain the hippie-tastic freedom of worship parts.) And it was perfect in it’s very first form. Even the parts that aren’t there anymore about black slaves being mostly-people.

Besides, we need it because, just as the Second Amendment protects the First, so the Third Amendment protects the Second. If we lose our right to free speech, then we have to take up arms. And if we lose our right to bear arms, then we have to steadfastly refuse to cut up soldiers. Probably because they’re the only ones armed, so it’s the path of least resistance. But, if we lose the right to not quarter soldiers, then it’s up to habeas corpus (Fourth Amendment) to protect us because we’ll have to get rid of some body parts and then use the Fifth to remain silent about their whereabouts.

So, to recap: the Third Amendment, the U.S. Constitution and the troops are all awesome. And if you don’t like that, then you can get the fuck out of my country.

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