Why, hello there, patient readers. Sorry I haven’t answered your letters recently. I’ve been busy, fighting some paternity suits from my totally unrelated chain of sperm banks and fertility clinics. Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of unhappy mothers to accuse of postpartum depression under oath. (Not sure what the legal defense is against allegedly cuckolded dads is, though.)
Anyway, it’s a new year, which means it’s time for the same old boring resolutions. So, if you haven’t quit quitting smoking yet — which odds and these Camel dollars say otherwise — then congratulations! You’ve made it over the hump: one week. Your body is no longer addicted to nicotine. Technically.
However, there’s just one minor obstacle to get over: the rest of your life. That includes going to your old bars, watching your favorite old movies and visiting your old emphysemic uncle who only regrets not smoking unfiltered so he could die like the Duke. Basically, you’re probably gonna slip up at one point or another. Perhaps even slip up an entire pack after rediscovering how good you really are at drinking tequila.
(Medical Fact: I cannot get hungover from tequila shots. I’ve tried so many times and still, for the life of me, can never remember puking from them. Or dancing like a I’m auditioning for the Fly Girls. Or driving home.)
So, here’s the good news: you can always start over. No, I don’t mean start over next year for another resolution. I mean right now. You have to decide to forgive yourself and move on.
That’s it. No sarcasm. Just forgive yourself for failing, and quit again immediately. And no, I don’t mean in the “I quit all the time, between every cigarette” way. I mean, in the “whoops, I’m not supposed to smoke anymore because it hasn’t been fashionable to smell like a forest fire since 1962” way. Or in the “great, just when I unclogged all the old lung butter from hacking my guts out every morning in the bathroom sink” way. Or in the “wasn’t I supposed to go running tomorrow?” way.
Point is, you know you won’t be able to smoke forever without looking like an asshole. That’s how you got to the point of quitting in the first place. So why go all the way back to being a smoker just because you broke down at a party? You don’t marry the chick you cheat on your wife with, and there’s not much difference in becoming a smoker again: you’re out of breath, look ridiculous and all your money’s gone with nothing to show for it.
So, why am I, the smoking doctor, telling you how to quit smoking? Because (a) I’m a fake Internet doctor, so I get special dispensation to be a hypocrite, and (b) I don’t smoke anymore, smart guy. Let’s just say that, if I’m gonna be miserable and pretend Reds smell bad when I’m ready to deepthroat a Swisher Sweet, then fuck you, so should you.
By the way, what I’m talking about doesn’t just apply to smoking. I just like to single it out because it is literally the stupidest medical thing people still do today. And that’s counting buttchugging and banging a Kardashian.
If you’re trying to eat better, you’re gonna slip up. If you’re trying to exercise every morning, you’re going to sleep in one day. And that’s fine. You’re eating McDonald’s this one time — and if you’ve dieted for a while, your body will punish you with the most ill-timed, liquidy shart in the entire history of board meetings and first dates — but then you’re back to carrots next meal. And if you missed your workout because you slept in, go in the afternoon. Or start over the next day.
Take it from Dr. Snee: you’ve got it in you, as long as you’re prepared to Batman it up and pick yourself up again. Besides, I’m too old an unhip to attract newer, younger readers.
Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. His only qualifications are high school and college biology (101 and 102), reading Men’s Health (2001-2003), and a systematic exposure to almost all health hazards (1981-present), but no medical training whatsoever. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit yer own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.