A War on Christmas Miracle

Do they know it's the War on Christmas?
Do they know it’s the War on Christmas?

I’ve shown reluctance in years past to join the War on Christmas. I celebrate Christmas, understanding that it’s when Jesus, after dying just months earlier in March-April, benjamin-buttons his way back to being a baby in December. I’ve just never felt like anyone was taking Christmas away from me, nor have I been able to conjure up the proper fearection required to fight those who might.

But, what about those who do believe in the War on Christmas? I would never intentionally destroy a child’s faith in Santa Claus, so why would I allow child-like minds to lose their faith in their favorite imaginary culture war? It’s tragic when innocence is lost, and even Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson is starting to wonder if she’s nuts (check the 1 minute mark) for believing in the War on Christmas.

Folks, I can’t let this happen, not after Fox News was already so wrong about the election. Being wrong about the War on Christmas would absolutely, irrevocably wreck them, driving the seasonal suicide rate even higher. Yes, Gretchen, there is a War on Christmas. And I’m going to make everyone believe in it.

I’m going to show the people of the Republican that Christmas doesn’t belong to the atheists and the non-Christians. People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy. I can’t do this as Rick Snee. A man is just flesh and blood and can be ignored or destroyed. But as a symbol… as a symbol, I can be incorruptible, everlasting, even tangible.

In short, I can be the Snow Miser to the GOP Miser-Miser.

And to make it legit, I'll get deputized by the Commander-in-Chief of the War on Christmas.
To make it legit, I’ll get deputized by the Commander-in-Chief of the War on Christmas.

And if anyone cries loud enough about a War on Christmas, I will steal their holiday tree. (Offer void after 12 pm, Dec. 25th.)

Merry War on Christmas to all, and to all a good lord!


This post originally appeared on SeriouslyGuys and HumorOutcasts.

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