I know, I know. We now live in a country where gay men and women can openly serve in the military, but gays still can’t join the Boy Scouts. To you, it makes no sense. The Boy Scouts are like the military without the threat of imminent death that made homosexuality such a hazard in combat, so what’s the big deal?
The deal is that Boy Scouts may not face threats in the form of IEDs and RPGs, but they are threatened with something just as terrible if not worse. As a former scout, I know that BSA leadership didn’t just make an arbitrary rule because gay sex is icky. It’s just, well, my Scoutmaster made me promise not to talk about it.
Fine, I’ll tell you the real reason why the Boy Scouts upheld their ban on gay scouts and leaders, but you can’t tell anyone. After all, if you can’t trust the Internet to keep a secret, who can you trust?
First of all, everything you know about our world? It’s wrong. For instance, nothing grows up, just out or away from the Earth. Also, alien abductions happen, but the anal probes are part of a concerted intergalactic search for Space Emperor Zblipzatz’s keys, not for research.
And, most importantly, Jason (of Friday the 13th) is real.
This is the secret that my Scoutmaster, as well as every other Scoutmaster, has sworn all scouts to keep upon reaching the rank of Tenderfoot. You know the Scout Oath?
On my honor, I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law; to help other people at all times; and to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight.
What do you think the purpose of that oath could be? Why would anyone need to stay “physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight” if they’re just tying knots and helping old ladies cross streets? Because those are also the characteristics of America’s last defense against our supernatural arboreal threats.
1. Physically Strong. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can lift a tree branch off of their leg when pursued by Jason, and those who can’t.
2. Mentally Awake. While it’s important to remain alert and cognitive during any slasher threat, this one is pretty much for Freddie Krueger. Stay awake, or you’re in his world.
3. Morally Straight. This is the big one for why gays don’t get to go camping: because everyone knows that Jason hates teens who have sex outdoors.
Boy Scouts already solved the problem of straight teenage sex by forcing girls to join a different group that camps on the other side of lakes. But, because somebody up and invented gayness in the 1970s, a new generation of sexy teens were introduced into the dangerous, machete-strewn nightmare we call our national park system.
You see, it’s not the Boy Scouts who are homophobes. It’s this big, scary immortal monster who’s a homophobe. BSA just has to play by his rules until they can find a way to finally kill him with safe and responsible rifle, shotgun or archery use.
Now you know why the leadership council meets secretly to discuss this every couple of years: so we don’t tip our hand to Voorhees and Co. It’s nothing personal, gay people. We just don’t want Boy Scouts to die.