There Can Be Only One (But Not Necessarily Ryan Reynolds)

Sometimes I want to rush home after work to my French colonial-themed masturbatorium, too.

Salutations, Hollywood executive! You may be wondering why I’m writing you this open letter, and why my headshot is actually a full-body nude. I’ll answer your second question first: I have a lot of these lying around, mostly labeled “return to sender” with a restraining order enclosed

As to your first question: congratulations on your upcoming remake of the 1986 cinematic classic, Highlander. The original, as I’m sure you’re aware, was not well-received by critics, but was a rousing cult hit that spawned a lot of crappy sequels and reintroduced America to one Thomas Sean Connery. In other words, I believe you will enjoy reasonably tremendous success, so long as more women attend than those dragged by their boyfriends with ponytails to the theater.

I see you had just this demographic in mind when you announced your casting of Ryan Reynolds as this century’s Connor MacLeod (of the Clan MacLeod). While I think you have the right idea, I’d like you to take a step back — but within view of the monitor that your intern is assumedly holding up for you right now — and bear with me when I say: there are actors who aren’t Ryan Reynolds. Some of them may even live in your neck of the woods. (Perhaps balancing a frappucino and your monitor?)

Let me be clear: there’s nothing wrong with Ryan Reynolds. I like him, America likes him, moms and tweens like him. Technically, by playing a vampire in Blade: Trinity and having abs, he may have very well been the proto-Edward Cullen. I can see why you immediately thought of him when relaunching a cherished, if not always great, brand. Furthermore, I thank you for presumably not thinking “Shia LaBeouf.” (Although he would make a fantastic Eddie Munster.)

And I’m not concerned with Ryan Reynolds lack of perceived Scottishness. (I apologize, Mr. Reynolds, if you are of Scottish descent. Rod Stewart threw my Highlan-dar off at an early age.) We were all able to suspend our disbelief with French(?) actor Christopher Lambert in the original, while the actual Scot played a Spanish Egyptian. It’s perfectly natural not to consider any true-born Scottish actors like David Tennant, Ewan McGregor or Gerard Butler.

Yeah, I showed them the “other headshot,” too, Craig. No go.

I’ll get to the point, since Todd (not Don or John, as you’ve been calling your intern) is probably getting tired. Casting Ryan Reynolds as a Scottish immortal who must kill every other immortal on Earth in swordfights is, in a way, thinking outside of the box. However, your outside the box is the same fenced off backyard every other producer is playing in these days.

I understand that the actor portraying the titular Highlander must be able to convincingly play a 1500s Scottish warrior, so he can’t presumably be a woman or not white. Fortunately, I’m fairly certain that finding a different white, male, age-appropriate actor in Hollywood (or elsewhere for that matter) shouldn’t be a problem. In fact, maybe that was the problem: there were too many of them. It just seems like settling on Ryan Reynolds as that white, male, age-appropriate actor might be just that: settling.

Food for thought, there can be only one, etc.



This post originally appeared on SeriouslyGuys and HumorOutcasts.

2 thoughts on “There Can Be Only One (But Not Necessarily Ryan Reynolds)”

  1. HANDS OFF RYAN, Rick! Probably they did not think of Butler because his last film, Machine Gun Preacher, made 1M dollars worldwide and, though I like McGregor, I think he might be a tad too short. About Scottishness (Scottitude?) and Scottish accent, are you aware of the fact that English was not spoken in Scotland until late 17th century and that Gaelic was the language used in the 16th century? You have to look for an Irishman then, if you are such a purist, but I suspect that the Gaelic spoken today is not the same as ancient Gaelic. Anyway, did Highlander have such a great dialogue? Naaaaa.

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