Ask Dr. Snee: The new AIDS

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Ask Dr. Snee. I’m your doctor, Dr. Snee.

In honor of the passing of Richard Dawson, I’ve changed things up a bit today. I’m still answering your medical letters, but have also surveyed a group of comatose patients using a series of electrical shocks and ranked their responses by popularity. Also, I printed out each letter this week and kissed and politely groped them when I thought nobody was looking.

And the subject of all of today’s letters? The new AIDS … I’m gonna go wash up after fondling those emails.

My girlfriend is mad at me because I gave her gonorrhea (which is bulls%@t because I got it from her sister, but anyway), and she’s tripping because she says it’s the new AIDS or some s&#t. I even tried to tell her that it always cleared up for me with penicillin, but she’s still mad. How do I calm her down without getting assault charges again?
Burning Man

Ah, the clap. It seems like only yesterday that it almost singlehandedly allowed the Axis powers to overrun Europe because Frenchy couldn’t keep it in his pants. Pardon me for waxing romantic about gonorrhea, but it is, after all, a sexy disease … that you get from having sex. With sexual organs.

But, your girlfriend is right to trip because — while, yes, the clap was once curable with antibiotics — it is also one of the most adaptable killers in the world, just like my colleague and mentor, Dr. Acula, who learned he could eat in late evening and early morning hours by sewing a hood to his surgical cape. Super strains, which are antibiotic resistant versions of this bacterium, are now showing up in Asia and Europe, which means it’s only a matter of hours before the U.S. Secret Service brings it over here. (BOOM! Comedy headshot!)

But, what causes super strains? We polled 100 comatose patients with electric shocks. Let’s see what they said:

And there you have it: “involuntary spasms” (which seems like more of a response to direct electrical current than our question) and “over-prescription of antibiotics for viral infections” create super strains of bacterial pathogens.

As for calming your girlfriend down, have you tried flowers? I’m pretty sure that giving those to chicks as an apology started back in the Dark Ages when everyone’s genitals were more populated with diseases than some sections of London.

What the f#@k is “chagas” disease?
Some inquisitive mind that didn’t give their name

Chagas disease has been dubbed by the press as the official new AIDS of 2012. This is a high distinction as the entire left-wing media has only awarded this honor to only two or three medical conditions each year since 2001, when Magic Johnson didn’t die, making original-brand AIDS look entirely overblown.

Chagas is exactly like AIDS, except you won’t necessarily get it from f@&king a monkey … unless, while distracted, you are bitten by one of the bloodsucking insects that transmit it. In fact, it’s not sexually transmitted at all. It’s only spreadable by blood transfusions, organ transplants, from mother to fetus and infected food. None of that should be a concern because, although we here in the U.S. use cheap illegal immigrant labor to build our decks, we have not graduated up to harvesting their blood and organs, forcing them to carry our fetuses to term or eating copious amounts of Mexican food.

The bugs that carry it are in Mexico and Central and South America. Also, in the southwestern United States, but who cares about Arizona or Utah? (If you live in Arizona or Utah and were offended by the previous sentence, the southwest also includes parts of California.)

We surveyed our comatose patients to find out everyone’s preferred method of contracting Chagas. Survey says:

… And it appears that, even though it’s impossible, the best method is by f%@king a monkey. This makes sense because bugs are really, really gross.

So, this guy ate a homeless person’s face, but the government claims it was from “bath salts,” and then some other guy was shipping stolen body parts, and another guy tried to cut out his own intestines and throw them at the cops. How far off are we from a zombie apocalypse?
Undying to Know

You’re right. All of those stories are connected: they’re all about males. Anyone who’s ever participated in a zombie race or “Thriller” flash mob knows that any real zombie infestation will be made up overwhelmingly of nerdy girls. And Olivia Munn.

And if that sounds sexist, just remember: over half of the population is made up of women, which means any new AIDS, including trendy ones like zombieism, will most likely infect more women than men based on numbers alone. Just to be on the safe side, we polled our comatose panel one last time:

No, these stories aren’t about zombies or even some other new AIDS-like disease. This is what men do when women aren’t around. All of us. In fact, we’re not even allowed to graduate from the eighth grade unless we’ve attempted to dismember someone. What did you think we were learning about in our separate sex ed class? Your periods?

It’s just the natural state of maleness. But, because of your delicate lady natures and tendency to call the police over every little thing, we have to hide it from you. That’s what we’re doing when we say we’re going to stay home and “take a nap” or “catch up on some reading” when you go to the store. It’s not like we’re masturbating or anything, because some would argue that’s cheating.

So, how far off is the zombie apocalypse? Very, and chances are some dude will eat that zombie before it has a chance to spoil.

Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. His only qualifications include high school and college biology (101 and 102), reading Men’s Health (2001-2003), and a systematic exposure to almost all health hazards (1981-present), but no medical training whatsoever. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

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