Applying Myself

“Apply now!”

I click the button, opening it into a new window. The job description matches my previous job, so I can’t see how I’m not qualified.

“Please upload a copy of your CV, or copy the text of your resume into the space below.”

And here’s the first obstacle. If I have a curriculum vitae, then that means I’m Canadian. If I have a resume, then I don’t know Latin. I decide to divide the difference and upload my resume rather than paste it in.

“Please confirm your information.”

The form pulled everything from my uploaded resume and pasted it into the wrong spaces. My name is my last job, and I graduated from English. Going through, I correct the entries, thinking, “Maybe they need a technical writer more than I thought if their system can’t read a resume.”

I submit my application. Two minutes later, I receive the following:

Thank you for your interest in career opportunities with Buzzword Technologies!

We have received your resume and are currently reviewing your credentials. Should we determine that your background and experience meets our hiring needs, we will contact you with further instructions.

If you are not selected for current employment opportunities, we will keep your resume on file for future consideration.

Again, we sincerely appreciate your interest in employment with Buzzword Technologies.

EOE/M/F/V/D

**Please do not reply to this automated e-mail message.**

And then I wait, nervously thumbing the catch to my broadsword.

*     *     *     *

“Yeah, Rick, send me your resume and I’ll pass it around.”

One week later, and no calls.

*     *     *     *

“Good morning, Rick. I’m calling from Job Placement, Inc. I see you’re looking for work. Can you relocate to Cambodia?”

“Um, no. But, I am looking for work here in the U.S. Any positions?”

“Well, what are your skills?”

“Didn’t you call me?”

“Yes … for Cambodia.”

I flick off the catch on my sword, exposing an inch of folded steel.

“Well, if you read my resume, then you’d see that I am a professional writer with technical and proposal writing experience, plus a few years in journalism.”

“We’re not really a journalism company. We’re mostly looking for technical writers.”

The blade is now halfway out of the scabbard.

“What a coincidence. Most of my experience is in technical writing. You might have noticed that in my resume.”

“Here’s our web site. Run a search for technical writing jobs and apply liberally.”

The sword is fully out and over my head. I’m lined up to send a head into the bleachers.

“I’ll do that. Thanks for calling.”

I put the sword away, but it doesn’t enter the sheath on the first try. The steel keeps bending.

I click the button, opening it into a new window. The job description matches my previous job, so I can’t see how I’m not qualified.

“Please upload a copy of your CV, or copy the text of your resume into the space below.”

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