The Mikado in the eponymous Gilbert and Sullivan play sings that, as the most humane Mikado in all of Japanese history, he believes that every punishment should fit its crime. And certainly a no more humane judge did in Florida exist than Judge John Hurley, who recently sentenced a husband in a domestic abuse case to time with his wife.
While a lesser judge might have sentenced Joseph Bray to jail time for, as his wife Sonja described, shoving her to the sofa and grabbing her by the neck, Judge Hurley recognized this the way any Floridian would: a happy birthday chokeslam. (The two were fighting because Joseph failed to wish his wife a happy birthday.)
So, that’s why the judge ruled that they must:
- Consume flowers. (That’s why women always need more, right?)
- Go to Red Lobster.
- Go bowling, a bloodsport that — in my experience — has settled more marriages than any other besides Monopoly.
After all, this whole incident boiled down to what Judge Hurley described as a “very, very minor” example of domestic violence. It’s only assault if it happens in a bar, workplace or anywhere else that isn’t your living room.
Not only do I offer Judge John Hurley my congratulations on a verdict well reached, but I wish him a long and illustrious career over other cases. Cases like ….