Archive for January, 2012:

Your Week in Seriously Times: Jan. 8 – 15, 2012

SeriouslyGuys
on January 14th, 2012 by - No Comments

They were borked by God.

Axe, Polish jokes, James O’Keefe, and pirates finding god — just thinking about it makes me wonder got through the week. Here’s the recap:

  • How many Polish military lawyers does it take to shoot themselves in the head? At least two, because this one’s aim sucks. (Jan. 10, 2012)
  • Sweden gives the official “okey-dokey” to the Church of Kopimism, a religion founded by and for Internet pirates. Because, if anything tones down a socio-political movement, it’s by adding religion. (Jan. 13, 2012)
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Women are Mysterious

Take it from Snee
on January 12th, 2012 by - No Comments

In recent news, the smartest man on wheels, Stephen Hawking revealed that he spends most of his time thinking about women. And I, for one, feel much better for knowing that, because I also find women to be “a complete mystery,” as Professor Hawking put it. However, I am concerned because, again, if Stephen Hawking — the man who has informed our current understanding of black holes — has yet to unravel the mystery that is women, then what chance do we have of ever solving these riddles. Riddles like:

The Vagina

Women have vaginas, which are holes. This much makes sense. But, how do they keep their insides from falling out when there isn’t a penis in them? Perhaps this explains the penis-shaped plug I found under my wife’s side of the bed. And, maybe this is why women always punch me when I ask them to do jumping jacks. They claim it’s because of their boobs, but I’ve seen a few boobs and none of them have ever broken off. I should know; I’m a voracious kneader.

Libido

Women often complain that their male partners want sex too much, yet women are also the largest demographic of producers and connoisseurs of erotic literature, sex toys and bed and breakfastses. The best theory I have is that women may not have as large of a sex drive as men, just a more inventive one in which penises have multiple settings and are dishwasher-safe.

Read the other four mysteries of women at:

  • SeriouslyGuys — where I had to censor one use of the word “shit.”
  • HumorOutcasts — where the shit flows (that one time I used it).
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Your Week in Seriously Times: Jan. 1 – 7, 2012

SeriouslyGuys
on January 6th, 2012 by - No Comments

Ritalin, gelatinous mice, Iowans, Stephen Hawking, and confused fish — what do they have in common? They were all the rage the first week of 2012. Here’s the recap:

  • The nation is running out of Ritalin and Adderall, which spells bad news for “sit quietly at your desk and reflect” lesson plans. One result: U.S. Youth Soccer Associations predict they will run out of red and yellow cards by March. (Jan. 2, 2012)
  • If that pet snake you got for Christmas died and you don’t know what to do with the rest of its feeding mice, crack open a Mountain Dew. (Jan. 3, 2012)
  • Iowans reenacted the first election, replete with paper ballots and anti-science values. Find out who won and who will spend the rest of their careers on Fox News. (Jan. 4, 2012)
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Cleaning Out the Language Gutters for 2012

Take it from Snee
on January 5th, 2012 by - No Comments

Every year, Michigan’s Lake Superior University and I like to take stock of the English language. The school lets students nominate words that they feel have become misused, overused and cliché, and the winners are compiled into a list for your banishment consideration. This is a valuable lesson in democracy in which students learn that they can make nominations and cast votes, while a college has the liberty of overriding their decision.

I refer to this act as “cleaning out the language gutters,” which should be performed yearly lest they fill with water and gunk, and then freeze and burst. After all, if I wanted to persist with a language full of ridiculous words, I would have continued taking Spanish in college.

“Occupy” made the list, and consequently dominated headlines about it. It was popularized, of course, by the Occupy Wall Street movement as a play on words for graduates that couldn’t find steady work in this economy, so they “occupied” a park. Unfortunately, everything is “occupied” now according to nominators, including Black Friday Promotions and Thanksgiving. Unless the lock on the porta-john says “occupied,” it might be time to give this word a rest. Might I suggest economic protesters adopt “squat” in the meantime?

Left unchecked, amazement fatigue could ruin all that we hold "amazing."

“Amazing,” however, was number one. And, as a veteran to the word-scorning game, I’m not surprised that at least entry is an adjective for “very good.” Previous winners of my disdain include “awesome” and “decadent,” which had been words du jour for advertisers and public relations firms. As with “awesome,” not everything can be “amazing.” Either every item sold in television truly inspires amazement, or you have the wonder (and mind) of a child.

“Baby bump.” Jesus. Look, I get that the miracle of life is amazing — even if it’s your twentieth time (The Duggars: 19 and one, baby!) — but let’s not encourage tabloid writers to make any further alliterations whenever they catch Britney Spears sporting a beer belly. Besides, I always thought a “baby bump” was mob slang for an abortion.

Read the other words (including the ones those eggheads missed) at:

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BSD: ‘The Baxter’

Blast Shields Down Film Review Society
on January 3rd, 2012 by - No Comments

My Rating for The Baxter: 2.5 3 parents cheering for the other guy out of 4
(Revised after Dajuan introduced the possibility that Cecille Mills wasn’t real)

And that man's name? Hubert Motley.

Hubie leads us through Michael Showalter’s The Baxter, which is basically The State in rom-com form, and his assuredly healthy fascination with Michelle Williams. Dajuan also comes clean about his wish for Jason Segel’s career to end disastrously and soon, but with no hard feelings for the man personally. And, my first penis joke comes right out of the gate at 1 minute, 31 seconds. That’s right: my first words of the episode. It’s a new record for Podcasts That Aren’t About Pornography and fitting since I had just turned 30, proving just how much I had grown up.

Hubie (1:25): And fresh from Carousel, identify and rise to meet the newly renewed Rick Snee …

Me (1:31): And then I slipped my big fat cock i–

Hubie (1:35): Okay.

In my defense? I was quoting the movie. That we were discussing, I’ll add.

This is what happens when we record without Chris Duncan, who set up the studio, and then napped off the flu on the couch.

WARNING: Blast Shields Down film reviews are plum full of suspense-ruining spoilers, naughty language, and infuriating opinions. Listener discretion is advised, especially if you’re Michelle Williams.

(more…)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

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