In recent news, the smartest man on wheels, Stephen Hawking revealed that he spends most of his time thinking about women. And I, for one, feel much better for knowing that, because I also find women to be “a complete mystery,” as Professor Hawking put it. However, I am concerned because, again, if Stephen Hawking — the man who has informed our current understanding of black holes — has yet to unravel the mystery that is women, then what chance do we have of ever solving these riddles. Riddles like:
Women have vaginas, which are holes. This much makes sense. But, how do they keep their insides from falling out when there isn’t a penis in them? Perhaps this explains the penis-shaped plug I found under my wife’s side of the bed. And, maybe this is why women always punch me when I ask them to do jumping jacks. They claim it’s because of their boobs, but I’ve seen a few boobs and none of them have ever broken off. I should know; I’m a voracious kneader.
Women often complain that their male partners want sex too much, yet women are also the largest demographic of producers and connoisseurs of erotic literature, sex toys and bed and breakfastses. The best theory I have is that women may not have as large of a sex drive as men, just a more inventive one in which penises have multiple settings and are dishwasher-safe.