Archive for January, 2012:

Your Week in Seriously Times: Jan. 22 – 28, 2012

SeriouslyGuys
on January 28th, 2012 - No Comments

What can I say? I love my readers.

Pain, evil beards, the Snuggie, Wheel, and … what was it? Oh, Canada. It was such a slow week that Arizona’s governor made the news for being a bitch to a dark person. Still, here’s the recap:

  • The next time your wife brags that women have a higher pain tolerance than men, you can now reply, “So, you’re just whiny?” Thanks, science for the divorce! (Jan. 23, 2012)
  • The Imagineers have done it again! Looks like the Epcot Ball was a bridge to an evil parallel universe. (Jan. 24, 2012)
  • Take it from Snee: Turning blankets into clothes isn’t exactly a new idea. Here’s the history behind the Snuggie: it goes all the way back to the Paleolithic and a caveperson‘s coin purse. (Jan. 25, 2012)
  • Pat Sajak admitted that he and Vanna were drunk in early episodes of Wheel of Fortune. That settles one bet; now let’s find out if Alex Trebek really fed his mustache orphans like I swore he did in the ’80s. (Jan. 26, 2012)
  • I just don’t trust Canadians, with their beady little eyes, yellow heads, hook-like hands, and holes in their feet for locking into place. And now they’re up there, watching us poop. (Jan. 27, 2012)
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The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy: As Seen in the Paleolithic

Take it from Snee
on January 26th, 2012 - No Comments

Foolish as it may seem, I don’t believe everything I see in commercials. For instance, when InventHelp says that the guy who invented the Splash Wash, a car wash for kids, by watching children play, I find it hard to believe he wasn’t masturbating at the time. Or that the woman’s whose hair is blown permanently back by the Trojan Vibrating Twister isn’t held there with semen.

But, there’s one idea that completely stretches my brain’s capacity for hogwash (which is another use for the Splash Wash, by the way), and it’s that modern man has just now solved the problems inherent in wearing a blanket.

The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy aren’t bad ideas, though. To the contrary, I long for the day when I can wear the poncho I was given to keep warm in a Tijuana jail cell to work. No, what’s nearly impossible to fathom is that these products are awarded patents for what humanity already accomplished in the Paleolithic Era.

Granted, it’s not uncommon for society to forget previous innovations, like trepanning, a medical practice dating back to the beginning of human history that pops up every time a doctor wants a license for drilling holes in people’s heads.

The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy follow the same path, starting way back in the Ice Age …

Read the rest at:

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BSD: ‘Ghost in the Shell’

Blast Shields Down Film Review Society
on January 23rd, 2012 - No Comments

My Rating: 4 exploded heads out of 4
I was a big fan of the Zapruder.

Dajuan, who has no Web presence as far as his wife knows, hosts our discussion of Ghost in the Shell, the other Japanese animated film* you’ve seen besides Akira. Major Kusanagi, a member of Section 9 with a mostly robotic body, pursues The Puppet Master, a criminal who no one has seen that can hack human beings. Meanwhile, we use our mostly human bodies to decide the difference between souls and ghosts (as they figure in this movie, not in your grandma’s attic). We also bounced around some suggestions for controlling New Japan’s basset hound infestation.

One fun game to play is to count every time the term “yin and yang” are mentioned, which reminds me …

WARNING: Blast Shields Down film reviews are chock full with suspense-ruining spoilers, naughty language, infuriating opinions and — in this episode — lots of audible cuts because we originally talked about this movie for over 2 hours. Special thanks to Duncan for whittling it all down to an hour.

*Does anybody call it “Japanimation” anymore? Is that racist now?

Download:

(more…)

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Your Week in Seriously Times: Jan. 15 – 22, 2012

SeriouslyGuys
on January 21st, 2012 - No Comments

Bald Barbies, dead pedestrians, Turkey, porn and poo — is it any wonder that 20 percent of us are a little (5 percent, very) crazy? Here’s the recap from SeriouslyGuys this week:

  • Sure, a bald cancer Barbie might be cheaper by cutting out hair production. But, how much do you think a pink Malibu Dream MRI Machine is gonna cost? (Jan. 16, 2012)
  • Hip-hop has moved on from killing rappers. Now it’s killing listeners. I would’ve made a joke about rock n’ roll suicides, but nobody’s gonna miss the rock artists that survived heroin and the ’90s. (Jan. 17, 2012)
  • Knowing he already planned to drop out of the race at the end of the week, Rick Perry decided to get in a few shots at Turkey before slipping into obscurity. (Jan. 18, 2012)
  • America the Institutional: The New York Department of Health believes 12 teenage girls at a high school outside of Buffalo are suffering mass hysteria, and yes, they’ve already ruled out their periods. Meanwhile, an annual national survey says 20 percent of Americans are a little crazy, while 5 percent of us killed and ate our surveyors. And then take CNN’s new quiz to determine if your boss is a psychopath. It’s only up for a limited time before the next CNN Girl quiz is posted. (Jan. 20, 2012)
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That’s A Wrap

Take it from Snee
on January 19th, 2012 - No Comments

Although they are OK with plumbers plumbing plumb barefoot.

The Internet is up in arms over the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and PIPA. PIPA is actually an acronym and abbreviation within an abbreviation: the PROTECT IP Act — or the Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act — proving just how much thought the U.S. Senate puts into naming bills after minor British nobility over drafting applicable commonsense laws.

But, in all the hoopla, did we miss the passage of an even more dangerous law to the Internet?

The Los Angeles City Council voted 9-to-1 in favor of an ordinance that would strip film permits from porn producers whose actors don’t wear condoms. Los Angeles already requires adult actors to wear condoms, but this new ordinance provides an enforcement measure (unless they use they safe word).

I’ll admit it’s tempting to require adult actors to wear condoms at all times. As an Internet writer, I’m always shopping for new pants, and frankly, I’m tired of smell-checking inside the crotch before putting them on. If I smell something off — like whatever Astroglide smells like (not that I’d know) — I quietly put them back on the rack. But, if I smell Durex, well, that’s like New Pants Smell, and my only remaining complaint is how skinny jeans make me a sexual hazard in the workplace.

Life isn’t that simple, however, and neither are movies ….

Read the rest of my argument at:

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